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Friday, January 31, 2003
The steady-fire of the Avtomat Kalashnikov 47 keeps them running...
23-4 Guess I still got it... ph33r spam_musubi. | (0) comments 
Broken, wounded world...
Since the lesson I'm working on for this Saturday for the high schoolers, is about "Jesus Christ as a Healer", I've been reflecting a lot about the topic of "brokenness". It's a very Christian-ese term that I think sometimes get thrown around too much without people really thinking about what the word really means - that our world is broken, shattered - it doesn't work the way that its Creator intended it to work. In a perfect world, everybody would marry their first crush, have two loving parents and a loving family, work a job they enjoy, etc... but the world we live in is harsh, cruel, darkly ironic... and very tragic. Part of our God-given sense tells us things aren't how they should be, and we do our best to pick up the pieces, an exercise that often ends in futility because we refuse to recognize the place that God has in helping us do just that - fixing the brokenness. Broken people, with jury-rigged lives and busted dreams - everyone carries their wounds, their own baggage and problems - we compare ours to other people's, and sometimes they look bigger, sometimes they look smaller - but they're still heavy for us to carry. Our lungs burn for fresh air, our muscles ache, and our eyes leak tears... but when we hit our breaking point, what will we do? Deny it even hurts, lie to ourselves? Throw ourselves into superficial romantic affairs, busy jobs, or a meaningless hobby? Lose ourselves in the bottle or a haze of smoke? Wrap a rope around our necks or stick the cold barrel of a 9mm in our mouths? Or just give up all together and resign ourselves to lives of sadness, unfulfillment, mediocrity, rage, and bitterness? Or maybe, just maybe... we find the strength to call out to the one who made us, who desperately wants us to return to Him. Maybe we'll find the strength to seek out He who waits patiently, who with a love so divine and infinite, concieved a gift for humanity that we probably never will fathom - grace, nursed by the hope that even when we are free to choose every other thing in this world, we will still choose Him. Many times, I've teetered on the line, and have fallen on both sides. Here's a prayer for everyone else who is too: May you cry out, and may your cry be answered. | (0) comments
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Dear BLOG,
I wonder if sometimes if I let too much of my dirty laundry out to dry on you. It's a very un-Asian thing to do, to spill your guts and lose your "face", but then again, since I never really "say" 75% of the things I write on you, I guess it's not really violating my stoic nature. I apologize if sometimes the only things I give you are my anger, my fear, my annoyances, my self-loathing, and my lack of confidence... but maybe by writing it to you, I purge some of those very things from my own self. Thanks for being the waste dump of my angst. *** Fukai fukai mori no oku ni ima mo kitto (Even now, in the depths of the deep, deep forest) Okizari ni shita kokoro kakushiteru yo (An abandoned heart remains in hiding) Sagasu hodo no chikara mo naku tsukarehateta (So tired out that they haven't the strength to search) Hitobito wa eien no yami ni kieru (The people disappear into the eternal darkness) Chiisai mama nara kitto (When I was still little, I'm sure) Ima demo mieta ka na (I would have been able to see it) Bokutachi wa ikiru hodo ni (The more we live) Nakushiteku sukoshizutsu (The more we lose, little by little) Itsuwari ya uso wo matoi (Clad in our deceptions and lies) Tachi sukumu, koe mo naku (We stand petrified, noiselessly) Aoi aoi sora no iro mo kizukanai mama (Without even realizing the color of the blue, blue sky) Sugite yuku mainichi ga kawatte yuku (The days passing by keep on changing) Tsukurareta wakugumi wo koe ima wo ikite (Surpassing artificial outlines, living for today) Sabitsuita kokoro mata ugoki dasu yo (A chained-up heart again starts in motion) Toki no RHYTHM wo shireba (If I just knew the rhythm of time) Mouichido toberu darou (I'm sure I could fly again) Bokutachi wa ikiru hodo ni (As we continue to wander) Ikite yuku, doko made mo (We keep on living, everywhere we go) Shinjiteru, hikari motome (Looking for a light that we can believe in) Arukidasu, kimi to ima (I'll start walking, with you now) Bokutachi wa ikiru hodo ni (The more we live) Nakushiteku sukoshizutsu (The more we lose, little by little) Itsuwari ya uso wo matoi (Clad in our deceptions and lies) Tachi sukumu, koe mo naku (We stand petrified, noiselessly) Bokutachi wa samayoi nagara (As we continue to wander) Ikite yuku, doko made mo (We keep on living, everywhere we go) Furikaeru michi wo tozashi (Blocking off the road to return) Aruiteku, eien ni (I'll continue walking, eternally) Tachi sukumu, koe mo naku (We stand petrified, noiselessly) Ikite yuku, eien ni (We continue to live, eternally) Do As Infinity - Fukai Mori (Deep Forest) Tomiko Van's has a fantastic voice... and Ryo Owatari rocks on acoustic guitar, and of course, Dai Nagao knows how to write a good song. | (0) comments
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
S O R E...
Practice was pretty grueling tonight, but yeah... I expect nothing less. Not too many of the senior students were at practice tonight, so I didn't get to practice much with people at my level or better. Practicing with people above your level is always good, because it pushes you to rise to their abilty - which is true for most anything competitive, be it kendo, SC, or War-crack. There are some benefits to practicing though with beginners - they make you review your own fundamentals when you teach them. There was a little 7 or 8 year old Hawaiian girl named Leilani that just got into armor tonight, and it was fun working with her, correcting her footwork and her strikes. Little kids are so cute when they're learning to fight, heh. My lower back does ache, a little though... I had to bend down a little bit so Leilani and the other little kids could properly land their men strikes to my head. Speaking of hitting... Terry Tate: Office Linebacker is pretty damn hilarious... watch this if you have broadband. Oh man... hahaha. HERE COMES THE PAIN TRAIN... WHOO WHOO WHOOO | (0) comments
Hungry...
Nothing beats homemade Chinese peasant food... stir-fried cabbage with onions and chopped bacon... stir-fried tofu and groundpork... and yes... rice. Off to kendo in 30 minutes... man, I'm going to be sore... | (0) comments
Sleeping, reading, writing, sleeping...
Work on my lesson for this Saturday is going slower than I thought. Hopefully tomorrow will lend itself some more insights, but we'll see. Trying to sincerely write something that will teach others about themselves and God when your own spiritual life is hurting is sort of equivalent to having an empty pitcher, a broken faucet, and guests waiting for water. You want to fill their cups, but you've got nothing to pour from your pitcher... you go to the faucet, but you find that when you turn the handle, no water comes out. Oh, I don't doubt I could pull whatever outta by butt... 18 years of schooling taught me how to do that easily whenever I was assigned to write an essay or report about topic xyz. But if I'm really going to be the mouthpiece of God and speak anything the least bit important to them, it has to be something that is both rooted in the truth and that I believe in. My dignity may still be shot; I guess my integrity isn't... Random note: Got sent this article by the Washington Post, an interesting feature on the growth of the Chinese American church. | (0) comments
Monday, January 27, 2003
Another long day.
Man, you know your life is weird when your weekends are x10 more busy than your weekdays. This past Sunday wasn't any different schedule-wise than any other Sunday, except afternoon choir practice was only one hour long instead of the usual two hours, on account of the fact today was the first quarter all-members' meeting of the year. My church is pretty organized and business-like about the whole thing - there's a printed agenda, a packet of reports by the ministerial staff and various committees, budget discussion - things you'd normally expect to be at a secular organization, except that supposedly, it is the mission of the church to glorify God, not rake in oodles of profit. If this all sounds exciting... it isn't. But it's very necessary for a church of our size to have, both to inform the members what is going on with the church and also to corporately decide where God is leading us in terms of properly stewarding what resources we have been given. Anyways, the meeting wasn't too boring and it ended in a timely manner, at least relative to past meetings - I was able to get to Siobhan's house around 4:00pm to catch the Superbowl which was already in progress. Sadly, the Raiders got spanked badly but the Buccs... but it's all good. I respect Warren Sapp and the Buccs for playing a great game... they really wanted to win this game and it showed out there on the field, the way they just dominated through their defense against the Raiders' offense. Can't think of anything more to write except that this past weekend, I saw perhaps the smallest glimmer of hope in terms of getting some temporary employment. My mind loathes to even say specifically what the opportunity is for fear of jinxing myself - but it pays well, it'll be doing something I enjoy, and it'll be for a good cause. The only downside is that it'd be a temporary, contract job... no more than 4 months, but we'll see... beggars can't be choosers. Hopefully the friend I talked to about this temporary gig will get back to me more during the rest of the week. Hmmm... | (0) comments
Saturday, January 25, 2003
It was a long day.
I drove to church super early today, got there around 2:45pm to help set-up for the kids' carnival. Good thing I didn't have to wait for my Mom - I forgot to mention that as of this past week, that I am now mobile... yeah, a car. Normally, I'd be thrilled... after all, no having a car or a ride is one of the few things that irritates me a lot. The bad thing about West Coast living is that mass transit sucks - it's too slow, costs too much, and never goes exactly near where you want it to go. Therefore, a car is necessary. So yeah... my car. Not a brand new car, Josh's family's old 1990 copperish Nissan Stanza. Ghetto fabulous with its 130k miles, but it runs. I have premonitions this car will be the death of me. In line with Siobhan's tradition of naming cars, mine is named "Audrey" - she may be old, but she's beautiful. The reference should be obvious. Did I mention the car to be seems just like a guilt offering from my mother? Bah... But I digress, the issue of car use in my family is a lengthy topic I've discussed briefly in this entry. Back to my full day at church. The carnival was not a 'high production values' affair. Pretty much all the game booths were hand-built in one way or another by people for the kids, with the usual assortment of games - bowling, ring toss, knock over the cans, face-painting, goldfish, etc. The same games get recycled year after year, though this year, my friend (and former Maplewood-ite) Ryan constructed this crazy mini-catapult for a game. The kids had fun anyways, despite it all. Ah, to be a child and to be so easily amused... I envy them. I ran a booth with some of my kids from my high school group that was a cross between tic-tac-toe and throwing beanbags. We ran it for the whole carnival, which lasted from about 4pm - 6pm. Then there was clean-up afterwards... no big deal. At 7:00pm, the high school youth group split into two groups. The counselors and I decided we should do some intra-gender bonding, so the girls went to Cassie's house to make/eat dessert and play games; Kenny and I were in charge of running a 3v3 basketball tournament with randomized teams for the guys. We ran half-court games, first to 11pts or 20 minute time limit, so all the guys got to play. After the tournament, there was plenty of pizza, chips, pop, and juice... plentiful food is a requisite for male happiness. All in all, things went well. Which reminds me... I'm giving next week's message. Am I the only one who thinks it's ironic that I'm giving a message? Especially about healing? Funny. | (0) comments
I should be asleep... but I'm not.
I'm beginning to hate the fact of how introspective and imaginative I am. I was probably laying in bed for two hours, and the entire time, the gears of my brain are turning and turning... I gave up and came back downstairs here to the computer. I tried playing a few rounds of TacticalOps, but that didn't help much either. Because my mind was wandering, I played a little bit too carelessly - translating into dying early a lot of rounds and ghost-watching the rest of my team. Even after not playing for awhile (been War-cracking), I still didn't do too bad... maybe I have hidden rage to draw upon to manipulate the worn down WASD keys on my keyboard. But of course, there's nothing to do while I'm ghosting but to think some more... if only my personal demons were as easy to exorcise as cornering them and hosing them down with a high-caliber automatic weapon, FPS style. It's never that easy, though. Time to just pop some magic pills to make me sleep... gotta get up early to do some errands. | (0) comments
Hrmph.
Fridays are usually days where I get out more, but given my current financial woes, I'm prone to stay home more. I haven't been sleeping much again... I guess my streak of getting up promptly around 12:00pm for 3 days in a row is now broken. Oh well... I knew it couldn't last. Besides the usual job-hunting and War-cracking, I managed to clean up the house a bit. Washed and dried dishes, wiped down the counters and dining table, bagged trash... Lord, my domestication is sickening. I need to find a job soon before I live out the rest of my days as a freak'n unpaid janitor of my childhood home. Death is preferable. Siobhan came over after she got off work, so I helped cook dinner with my Mom... a rather strange meal of tonkatsu, shrimp chips, stir-fried ground pork with tofu, cream of corn, and of course, rice. I was stuffed, so I guess that's what matters. Shiv was pretty tired from work, so the consensus was to just bum around my house and watch TV. We took turns falling asleep watching TV. Funny. Tomorrow... technically, today... gonna be a long day. | (0) comments
Friday, January 24, 2003
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
"Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit," says the LORD Almighty. (Zechariah 4:6)
From my volunteer webmonkey graphic work here... I've heard this verse many times, read it, contemplated it... I consider it one of the most significant verses in the Old Testament. Maybe I'm still unraveling the great mystery of how faith, a spiritual reality, can visibly operate in this material and temporal reality. People today are very much creatures in a material world, and yet we're been granted a sense that life should operate on something higher than just eating, drinking, sleeping, working, and breeding... my life would be a lot less complicated if that was all there was to it. Or as friend remarked in her writing... How sweet it would be if there wasn't an afterworld. If there was nothing more to this materialistic world. If all that is visible is all there really is. If things would be a-okay if I just didn't give a flying f... Is it wrong to wish you didn't care? Hrmph. | (0) comments
More War-crack... mmmm
Official Press Release IRVINE, Calif. - JANUARY 22, 2003 - Blizzard Entertainment�, a division of Vivendi Universal Games, announced today plans for Warcraft� III: The Frozen Throne�, the expansion set to the fastest selling PC game ever*, Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos�. Since the game's release in July 2002, Warcraft III has now surpassed 2 million units sold worldwide. * "We are very pleased by the success of Warcraft III," said Mike Morhaime, Blizzard Entertainment president and co-founder. "Our plans for the expansion set include increasing the strategic gameplay possibilities and depth of the Warcraft universe by introducing a wide array of new Heroes and units, specifically designed to enhance each race." Following in the tradition of previous Blizzard expansion sets, Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne provides gamers with a vast new chapter in the epic Warcraft saga. In the single-player campaign, players revisit the war-torn world of Azeroth. Several months have passed since Archimonde and the Burning Legion were defeated at the battle of Mount Hyjal, yet a new threat has arisen throughout the land. The evil Lich King Ner'zhul has been imprisoned inside the Icecrown glacier, deep within the arctic continent of Northrend. Although the former Orc Shaman lacks physical form, his soul lives on, forever seeking a means to escape his icy prison. As the saga continues, it is revealed that both the Night Elf renegade, Illidan, and the traitorous Death Knight, Arthas, seek the Icecrown glacier and the mysterious powers found inside. While it is uncertain as to what is being sought inside the icy tomb, players must traverse uncharted lands and battle treacherous new enemies to uncover the schemes of these nefarious beings, and save all of Azeroth from the forces of darkness..." GameSpy Preview & Screenshots | (0) comments
Oof...
I just got back home from Ryan's condo... a few of us ex-Maplewood apartment people went there to kick it and eat dinner while watching "American Idol"... hahaha, man that show is hilarious. I'm no superstar pop icon, but I've sung enough in my church's choir to tell when some people are just painfully off-key. The funny part is how some people can so oblivious to the fact that THEY CANNOT SING... it's sad really. Admittedly, the judges can be a bit harsh... but hey, if you stick yourself on stage and act like you're hot stuff... you set up yourself for getting blasted for your lack of talent. Of course, it's always funny to me to watch the arrogant people argue with the judges about how "great" they are... Lord, the inflated American ego is a ghastly thing to behold. Or as my mother is fond of often quoting... "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18) After we watched the show, Ryan kindly shared a few bottles of beer with me while we played our old favorite, Dynasty Warriors 3... nothing beats alcohol and video games. Ah, to live back in the apartment again... good days in time past. Back to the real world. | (0) comments
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
The end of broadband?
Nooooooooo... I rather let my cable TV die. My Mom is cutting broadband, she doesn't wanna pay for it... she'd rather have AOL! Aiyah... I was able to first convince her to help me pay for it by telling her it was aiding my job search, but since I'm no closer to getting employed than before... bye-bye broadband. =( It seems family finances are catching up with us again. I've been wondering how my Mom can afford to always go out shopping, buy stuff, an Alaskan cruise, pay for all these services at our house, AND afford for herself a random trip to HK on her pitiful teacher's salary. I guess the answer is... NO, my Mom can't afford it. Stuff is gonna get cut... I told my Mom to kill my medical coverage, I'm not in any dire danger hanging around the house all day. Oh yeah... I'm an un-insured, un-employed corpse of consumption... the (living) dead zone right here. Man, it's gonna suck playing Warcrack with lag... =/ | (0) comments
Happy Birthday MLK Jr...
Well, Monday went by fast. Since it's one of the few breaks she gets during the school year, Siobhan came over to spend the day with me. I was a sleepy when she first arrived, so for about an hour or so, I slept while she watched me sleep/read a book. After I managed to drag myself out of bed, I made her hot chocolate and we shared a light breakfast before going back upstairs to my room... Shiv was determined to make me organize the chaos in it. Since my organizational theory for my room tends to be "piles" and "stacks", she helped me hang up clothes, consolidate garbage, and collect some old clothes to give to charity. I think she was in awe of my packrat-ness, but hey... I've lived in that almost 20 years - it's bound to collect some artifacts. I suppose my room is a little bit cleaner now, but I can imagine that it's just delaying the inevitable... after awhile, I'm sure to return back to it's primal state of disorder, haha. Afterwards, we went to see "The Hours" at Factoria... an interesting flick. I've only read the first couple of chapters of the book in passing, but supposedly the movie follows it pretty closely. I can see what all the hype was about... the movie is very well made, and the performances in it are quite good. (spoiler warning) Unfortunately, as well made as the movie was, I found myself disliking it. The philosophy inherent in the story and the characters lives just didn't jive with me - it just seemed a little bit too self-absorbed, self-centered, and yeah... a bit whiny. The movie is filled with female angst, but I couldn't sympathize much with their situations - I understand the conflicts each of three main characters faced was intensely internal and personal, but to me, it just seemed overly dramatic. I mean, it's not like any of the characters were immersed in such horrible circumstances that suicide was an option. There wasn't abusive husbands or children, there wasn't physical violence or even just emotional cruelty - just each of them had some sort of gnawing longing that drove them into wondering, "What is my life really about?". I can sympathize with the depression that question brings... but to kill oneself? To leave behind dependent children and family, all for that? Seems selfish to me, but like I said before... I have probably a very male, a very Asian culture oriented view on the matter. Anyways... I suppose there's something very spiritual about that... what Christians often refer to as "the missing piece in the soul/heart" that people have that comes from a broken relationship with God. Millions of humanity, running around, seeking solace and fulfillment in a thousand different things... academic success, material wealth, a beautiful BF/GF, fashionable clothes, fame, power... and none of it satisfies anybody for more than a few moments, and thus, the miserable state of humanity consumed by the desire for something it can't understand. Like unplugged toasters and blenders... that's what people are. Unplugged, unconnected... Oh yeah... being that it's MLK Jr. day, I was going to also write a long commentary on the sorry state of race relations in the US, but I'm sure you already knew that. On a random note, it's interesting to consider that there are 2 men, both named Martin Luther, who are responsible for altering history as we know it. Back to race relations here in the US... to put things simply, when these groups celebrate MLK Jr. day this year: -Most white people: They think racism has "ended" and gripe about affirmative action and people who don't speak English. -Most non-white people: They read about A&F t-shirts, see the composition of Congress, hear Shaq speak "Chinese" and realize, we still got a long way to go... | (0) comments
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Mutterings of a sleepless mind...
I was having an interesting talk with somebody a few nights ago about the nature of humanity,being content, happiness, and my "dog peeing on trees" theory (my poor analogy for the human desire for immortality via leaving some sort of mark/impact on the world). I think it just occurred to me that one of the reaons I first started writing was my own small "dog peeing on trees" impulse. The words on paper and the screen was something to remind myself that I was, I am and will be. I'm a forgetful person... the tangible is my reminder of things less tangible, and perhaps somehow, taking the time to make a record of my journey in this life brought me closer to a satisfying appreciation of it. But words are a funny thing. Lately when I write, I feel less like a man or more like a winter wind blowing through leaf-less trees... not speaking intelligble sentences or stirring speeches... just quiet sighs, low moans, rhythm-less rattling, and awkward spaces of silence. Strange, very strange... stripped of things that are important to us, sometimes all we have to clutch are our words. My grip is tight. --- Random: The Stranger, a notoriously liberal weekly rag here in Seattle, had a particularly thought provoking article on the issue on the possibility of war in Iraq. The author gives an equal amount of blasting to both warhawks... and also, anti-war peaceniks. I guess it's in everybody's nature to reduce the issue to black and white... "war is bad, peace movement is good" / "war is good, peace movement is bad"... but for once, I'm glad to read an article that eloquently states what I see - lots, and lots, of gray. The issue isn't as easy as people paint it. To use the patented davefonic dissection of the issues as I see it: Invading Iraq is stupid. Leaving Iraq to make weapons is stupid. Getting our sons and daughters to die for oil is stupid. Letting Saddam Hussein have access to oil is stupid. Stereotyping all Muslims as terrorists is stupid. Underestimating the factor of fanaticism in terrorists is stupid. Republicans are arrogant and stupid. Democrats are deluded and stupid. Saddam Hussen is arrogant, deluded, and stupid. Anyways... blah, no more politics. It's Saturday. At least for one more half hour. |
Another week goes by...
Back home, doing my usual chilling... got some more letters in the mail today, you know... the thin kind. I guess I should be thankful some companies are even bothering to send me a letter at all to reject me. Most places these days, it's postcards or no response at all. Oh well. In other news, at least there's justice elsewhere in the world. The Houston Rockets beat the LA Lakers in a nail-biting game tonight. Go Yao and Steve Franchise, I mean, Francis... I bet Shaq and Kobe was feeling silly. In other Chinese news, Asian America's current freestyle hip-hop hero, Jin tha Emcee was in town today to do a show. Check this doooooope freestyle he did on the radio to beat of "In Da Club", a sick Dre beat that had the misfortune of 50 cent rhyming on it - it's gravy, tho... Jin redeemed it totally. Dre should be making beats for Jin, not 50 cent! Shoot, the only reason 50 cent probably got hooked up is because he rolls with Eminem... Anyways, I got a lot more respect for Jin as both an artist and a person - not only was his freestyle blistering, a kid who goes to my church got to meet Jin, get a picture with him and get his autograph. The show tonight was for 21+, so the kid (his name is Jeff), wasn't able to go and it would have been totally out of the way for Jin to just meet him, but he still did it - because Jeff is such a big fan. Bear in mind, Jin has NEVER met Jeff before in person, only chatted with him on IM and over e-mail. Jin could have just have easily ignored him, but he didn't. Pretty cool thing for him to do - it's always great to hear about artists recognizing their fans. I just hope when Jin drops his album, the quality will be on par with his freestyles... perhaps with him, Yao Ming, and Ichiro, it'll be the dawn of a golden age for Asian America. Maybe even non-Asian Americans will *GASP*... recognize Asian Americans as NORMAL people? I suppose we can always hope. | (0) comments
Friday, January 17, 2003
"This is a one-of-a-kind piece, there's no other one like this particular one in the world..."
Dear Lord, Everyone gets a little pissy at times, even me. Excuse the lyrical tantrum, I know you're out there. I'm still waiting on you. In the mean time, thank you for the gift of laughter... this poor guy's mistake is to my complete amusement. Bless his poor, geezer self... I'm sure I'll be the same way if I make it to his age. My sides hurt... hahaha. TechTV - One Of A Kind Piece (WARNING - Contains mild profanity, and extreme humor. Right click and choose "save target as...") Racist Shaq update: Some friends have e-mailed me and kindly pointed to these additional articles if you're interested in hearing more commentary. Enjoy. | (0) comments
Thursday, January 16, 2003
blasted and broken, my mind burning, in flame/
between clenched teeth, screams of rage, cries of pain/ too many times I was tricked, crippled before every goal/ trying to collect the pieces of the time that you stole/ decieved myself into doing everything with passionate zeal/ only to find in the end, volunteers can't buy their own meals/ working for free, wasting time that was my own/ they call it "pro bono" because it's you getting "boned"/ maybe ministry was supposed to be a penance for my sins/ but "volunteer" on a resume, is a ticket to recycling bins/ retrospective of life, because time now affords it/ dreams reduced to shame, and I see that hope whored it/ open wounds, I thought it'd be the enemy's slash and hack/ but my blood drips only from the dagger in my back/ you called me to follow, to fight for you and I did/ but how could I forget, you took my childhood as a kid?/ my tragedies piled high and I haven't lived yet a quarter/ the lives of men runs short, their happiness: even shorter/ dodging my questions, your presence silent in the fog/ stripped of my dignity, I'm not a man, just a dog/ obedient until the end, a fool who followed/ giving all without question, until empty and hollow/ left me abandoned, as if being alone made me better/ fine, let bitterness run free, and my anger unfettered/ I curse every place, let heaven collapse and crush earth/ let even time unwind to nullify my own birth/ as hell becomes cold and the sun finally sets/ lay my ashes down in darkness, so my memory can forget/ tired of fighting and trying, all is to no avail/ bitterness is in everything, when you taste betrayal/ too weak to hate you, too proud to cry/ you made me, but didn't save me... just let my faith die. | (0) comments
sleep is the cousin of death...
It's been a strange day... a lines between reality and dreams blurred enough to make me scared to sleep again. Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? I slept about 14 hours today, 5AM-PM... lost in that dream world. When I woke up, I wanted to go back... but I knew I couldn't. Instead of being lifted by the thought of that dream world, my heart fell into deeper sadness. Back into the grayness that surrounds me, covers me... the melancholy of here and now. I don't want to go back to sleep... not because I'm scared of the dream world. The dream world was a paradise, a reality where nothing went wrong and everything is how I thought it was supposed to be. A vision of a different life for myself blissful, untouched by the cruelty of unfortunate circumstances, so perfect... it was maddening. People like me fear dreams because they make us hate the world we live in all the more... to taste bliss and know you will never have it is the cruelest torture imaginable. To see that hope is nothing more than a carrot dangled in front of the donkey, plodding around and around and around... an endless circle of fruitless toil to turn someone else's millstone... Spare me dreams and give me dreamless slumber... | (0) comments
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
All hail the Davefonic pimp-itude... someone ought to make stickers of this picture, heh. | (0) comments
Back to normal?
It seems furious storm over Shaq and Yao Ming had died down for now. I'd to think that people have learned from this incident, but I highly doubt it. If anything, history shows that there's always another ignorant (famous) person out there ready to make more "chingchongahso" or "go eat with your fortune cookies" comments like Mr. O'Neal. Anyways, I went to kendo practice again... guess I'm back to my Tuesday routine of kendo at Renton. The size of the people at the dojo has grown quite a bit since I left for college, there's easily about 40+ people now. It's kinda cool to see a lot of them are kids, too... reminds me when I started back in 8th grade, except now, I'm one of the senior students. Teaching the beginners things like basic waza (technique) feel strange, because in many ways, I still feel like a beginner. I've probably been doing kendo for nine years, but my ability is no where near what it should be, at least in terms of basics and waza mastery. Sure, I have plenty of sparring practice, but you can only fight as well as you've trained yourself on the basic movements. I regret not being able to practice more, but there were a couple of reasons. One of which was my involvement with AACF, which was every Wednesday, the same day as the UW club practice - I don't regret making that sacrifice, I enjoyed AACF and it helped me to grow spiritually a lot. But I do regret not practicing other days - since my sister monopolized the car for most of my college (she was always at work or with her friends), I wasn't able to go out to practice very regularly at the UW or other clubs. I suppose I could have pushed for having the car more, but I found back then arguing with my sister to pretty fruitless. She pretty much does whatever she wants, she doesn't listen to me. I, of course, would ask my mom to do her job as a parental arbitrator to grant me my supposed right of "equal access", but being that my Mom always wants to be "buddy-buddy" with my sister, she never went to bat for me and actually made my sister share the car with me.. Oh well, such was life back then for yours truly. My less well-mannered friends used to always tell me I should to knock my sister the f!#@ out if she gave me lip (a frequent occurence), but yeah... I never did. I guess my sister took advantage of the fact I was too kind-hearted to never force my will like that. Another regret of mis-spent time, I suppose. Ever notice how when you're at a low point in your life, it's always easier to identify things you regret? The deluge that comes to mind: not going to kendo practice more; not fighting for my right to the car; not working a "real job"; not pursuing that DC internship; not pursuing ANY internship; not studying Japanese; not finishing my study of Mandarin; not going to a foreign study program; not going to Europe; staying at my campus job; spending too much time with KC sophomore year; giving that letter to KC sophomore year; spending too much time with the bottle after KC my sophomore year; living with a crazy Korean roommate junior year; not going to AACF more my first 2 years; never taking an art or design class; never finding a mentor; never building relationships with the professors I was cool with; not taking more film classes, spending too much time doing volunteer work for other people and my church... That was entirely too easy to list... didn't take me more than 5 minutes to type all that up. See what I mean? Shut up, and eat your cereal, Garrett... sugary milk helps the restless soul swallow the bitter pill. | (0) comments
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
More on Shaq-antics...
A person e-mailed me informing me of a petition that has been started demanding that Shaq issue a sincere apology. Sign it if you get the chance... I think it's important to represent that the entire Asian American community is offended by what he said - not just a small, vocal minority. Random note: My friend Chris sent me this article about a book that claims the Chinese discovered America in 1421! Seems almost like just crazy fiction, but the books author, a former commander in the British Navy, seems to have collected some compelling evidence - wrecks of Chinese junks in America, anthropological evidence of Chinese-speaking peoples in America pre-dating Columbus, and evidence of flora/fauna specific to China that was deposited here in America. Interesting stuff, maybe I'll pick up his book after I finish the stuff that is on my reading list now. The next time somebody tells me to "To go back where I came from" and "AMERICANS (AkA white Europeans) were here first", I'm gonna laugh my head off... | (0) comments
Monday, January 13, 2003
Tour de Carriagewood...
Just got back home from a 45 minute bike around the neighborhood... I finally got around to waking up and going out. The bike was fine for the most part, though the gear shift and the rear wheel brakes need some more adjusting. In any case, it was interesting to see the old neighborhood again - brings back childhood memories of riding my bike to Jason's house or Doug's house... I've forgotten how much ground you can cover on a bike. Heh, exercise... feels so strange... | (0) comments
Sunday, January 12, 2003
Whoa...
This blog continues to get mad hits from people searching on the 'Shaq racism' controversy. The count is nearly 200 hits already for just TODAY. As a public service, I'm going to repeat some information I've mentioned in older posts before. For those of you who have just come to this and are still looking for information regarding this incident, I encourage you to visit the following sites that offer a wealth of information:
| (0) comments
Stupid sleeping cycles..
I've only been asleep for maybe a couple hours and now I'm back up again, eating an homemade apple muffin, hoping its only the munchies that are bothering me. I have to get up in about 5 hours too... I get pull double duty - morning practices for both choir and worship team. Bleh. Worship team... argh, I need a trade like Gary Payton to a different team. Killing me here... =P Speaking of getting killed... O'Neal's Comments Group Him with Lott, Rocker Go Seattle Times, wh00t! Finally, some more coverage of Shaq's racist insults to Ming. | (0) comments
Saturday, January 11, 2003
It is the 11th hour of productivity...
I finished the last of the editing for the script of a skit I and another counselor will be performing for the junior high/high school kids... in like 13 hours, heh. When it comes to my ideas and "creavitivity", it always seems that the early hours of a morning produce my best work - scripts, papers, lyrics, computer graphic stuffs. Unemployment gives plenty of time for bums like me to make wallpapers for themselves like this featuring an unlikely combination of a notorious Street Fighter 2 character and the poem Invictus by William Henley. More on Invictus some other day. Maybe I'll post the transcript of the script in another entry, it's one of the simpler and better skits I've written in awhile in my opinion. Besides the usual writers' blocks that assailed my brain - my allergies seem to have gone haywire tonight. Stupid nose of mine was running more than Michael Johnson and I had some howitzer-esque sneezes. It's gotta be something my brought into the house, probably a plant. Sucks because even though this morning, they were a bit irritated, it wasn't that bad. Plus, spicey-ness of the Thai I ate at the IIStix meet helped clear my sinuses (frag poor Akito's stomach, ouch). And of course, there's always "other stuff" occassionally milling around in my head. Well, time to pop the magic anti-histamine pills and drift off to dreamland. Random note: Got e-mail from Cora and she got to Spain fine. According to her, there are only 3 other Asians in Cadiz. And I thought Reeeeenton and Kent was short on diversity. Hahaha. Of course, Cora has the advantage of being around the oh-so-cool Spainards (Any culture with the guts and imagination to create bullfighting rocks) while Renton/Kent is populated by unwashed, ignorant masses who think that all Americans are white or black. Bah. I hope this pill kicks in soon. It's been a long day. | (0) comments
Back...
I just got back home about an hour ago from the IIStix NW Meet: Part 2. Good stuff, it was cool meeting June for the first time... another member of the IIStix family I've met in person, heh. The last meets usual suspects, Shiv, Justin, Akito, and Simon showed up too... along with my friend Sam, June's sister, and her BF. We ate dinner at Siam, then kicked it at Poochi's afterwards for boba, cards, and ghetto speed scrabble. In another note, this BLOG has been flooded with an INSANE amount of hits about the "Racist Shaq Comments About Yao Ming" article I posted from Angry Asian Man (which also is keeping updates about the incident, so check the site often). I'm still disappointed that this incident has not gotten substantial coverage from the media, but in a way, I'm jaded enough to know that media itself is racist enough to want to perpetuate a double standard about racism - sure it's OK to make fun of Asians, but make fun of Black people... big no-no. I'm just starting to see now some coverage, but it's still not very sincere if you ask me. =P I encourage everybody to raise a stink about it - forward links, e-mail family and friends, fire off some letters to media outlets like TV stations and newspapers. Get the word out, and hopefully, just like that idiotic A&F t-shirt incident, WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Here's some more good links if you want to read more about the Mister Shaq's insulting comments:
I'm sure Shaq will survive the incident generally unscathed... since secretly, I suppose most Americans are probably laughing at the stupid things he said thinking it really is funny. | (0) comments
Friday, January 10, 2003
Eh...It's a sunny day outside.
In light of that, I'm resolving to stay inside and take a nap. Yay for me. | (0) comments
The websurfing monkeys dance in my head.
I was visiting this funky flash Southpark site, which I read about from here, and got the idea to do one of those funny "mood" charts. A collection of the most common states of being you'll find Garrett in: 
Shiv says "uncut" is her favorite. To make your own South Park-style characters, visit this site here. WARNING: Flash intensive, so I recommend broadband. Darn funky sleeping patterns. And yes, my t-shirt says "bastard". You have to know me to laugh about that one. | (0) comments
Thursday, January 09, 2003
First kendo practice of the year...
Just got back home from kendo practice at the Kent dojo... lots of fun. I'm sore, but not as sore as I could be... good thing for me Kent only practices for one and half hours, unlike the two and half hour practices I'm used to at Renton. My body still needs to get in shape. Shiv had dinner at my house with me and she came with me to practice - she finally got to see what it is "I do" for physical exercise. It's funny how I'm not that much of a "sports guy" (besides football and watching everything else on TV), so I don't think she's really seen me "exert myself" before. I suppose now that she's seen me fighting, she's seen another part of me that most people don't see - not that I turn into some sort of raving maniac, but once I'm suited up in my bogu and I'm holding a sword... it's sorta strange to say it, but I feel more comfortable with myself and dealing with people. My kendo sensei used to say that when people fight on the floor, it's like that floor is a different world - a world without the normal inhibitions we carry around in life. It strips away the masks we wear in life and reveals the spirits of people - some people are naturally aggressive, others timid; some people are full of compassion, others are full of cruelty. Fighting is an odd sort of litmus test for people's character - when people are stuck in a contest of wills (the essence of what any fight is) their true nature comes out. Yet out of fighting and learning how to fight, the so-called "violence" of martial arts... there comes a lot of good things - self-discipline, learning to respect others, staying calm under pressure, compassion, and a love for what really matters in life: other people. In the end, these are the importants lessons I've taken from kendo - because as much I'd like to, I don't wear a breastplate and carry a sword strapped to my side 24 hours a day. I guess my words aren't great enough to describe things, but I suppose people who do a martial art with full-contact fighting will understand what I'm saying. | (0) comments
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
From one of my favorite sites, Angry Asian Man:
Call Shaquille O'Neal the Big Racist In his most recent racial taunt of Yao Ming, Shaquille O Neal told a reporter, "Tell Yao Ming, ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.'" No, the superstar center of the LA Lakers was not trying to speak Chinese. Shaq was, in a most derisive tone, aiming a racist barb at the rookie center for the Houston Rockets. Ironically, just days before this racial taunt was aired nationally, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) had honored O Neal with their Young Leaders Award. We can only hope that the NAACP had no knowledge of Shaq s previous racial taunt of Yao Ming and LA Clippers center Wang Zhi Zhi, broadcast on June 28 on Fox Televisions Best Damn Sports Show Period. When Yao Ming was brought up, Shaquille O Neal spoke with a mock Chinese accent and made mock kung fu moves. Also in June, Shaq announced that he would test Yao s toughness by taking an elbow to Yao s face. This comment, combined with Shaq s racist taunts are particularly disturbing, as Asian Americans often suffer racial taunts while being assaulted or physically intimidated. But Shaquille O Neal is not a stupid brute. That is, he may be a brute, but he s not a stupid one. He knows the media is on his side. National and local news organizations have consciously ignored Shaq s racist comment. I know, because I called the LA Times, Sports Illustrated, the Associated Press, and other news organizations and offered them information about this story. They did not want to write about it. The only reason anyone knows about Shaq s latest taunt is because Fox Sports Radio's Tony Bruno Morning Extravaganza played a recording of the taunt several times to its nationwide audience on December 16 and 17. On the latter day, Bruno commented that Shaq s comment was "not racist," and then invited listeners and radio commentators to call in jokes making racist fun of Chinese. For hours, people cracked jokes, such as offering free bike parking to increase Chinese attendance at basketball games. On Christmas Day, while calling the Celtics-Nets game for ABC, veteran sportscaster Brent Musburger s lamented that "the hordes of China" might stuff the All-Star ballot box and vote Yao Ming in as the Western Conferences starting center, rather than Shaquille O Neal. How Kafkaesque, and how familiar, it is that the interests of the American media and those of Asian America are diametrically opposed. The media has betrayed their own dedication to controversy by making nothing out of something that deserves much ado. Rather than slam celebrity racism, as it has in the past, some media organizations obviously wish to reserve the right to revel in their own racism. Will the NBA punish racist speech, as it has in the past? The Association is too busy passing out fortune cookies. In "honor" of Yao s first game in Miami, the Miami Heat on December 16 passed out 8000 fortune cookies to spectators. Yao found the promotion amusing but pointed out that fortune cookies have nothing to do with him. He said that he was not angry because he was not familiar with American stereotypes of Chinese. Let s not beat around the bush. If a white player had, for instance, made monkey sounds to taunt a black player, it would have been a national controversy. But Yao is Chinese. And Asians are fair game. For evidence, watch TV for a couple of hours. Asian America cannot, or will not, demand as much respect as other minority groups. What do sports commentator Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder, NBA Head Coach Dan Issell, and former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Trent Lott have in common? They all lost their jobs due to comments offensive to blacks or Hispanics. Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller, baseball pitcher John Rocker, and basketball star Isaiah Thomas were all forced to apologize for racially insensitive comments. Spit on me once, shame on you. Spit on me twice, shame on me. What will our Asian American leaders do about this potentially explosive issue? In the past, our national leaders have tended to shy away from the harsh lights of TV cameras, nicely fitting our stereotype as quiet, obedient people. As media-hound lawyer Johnny Cochran single-handedly forces the NFL to consider more black head coaches, what will our Asian American leaders do about Shaq s offensive taunt? Write a letter? Forgive my bitterness. I grew up in Texas, facing those "ching-chong" taunts daily while teachers averted their ears. I love basketball, and when Yao was drafted by Houston, I had to suppress my excitement, lest he turn out a complete flop. I went to see the Rockets play the LA Clippers on December 12. Yao is a huge young man with huge skills. But he s also a kid in a foreign land. You can tell by the way he carries himself when the ball is not in play. My heart goes out to Yao Ming. Yao Ming is our Asian Jackie Robinson, though he does not face the intensity of animosity Robinson faced. Unfortunately Shaquille O Neal is the modern-day Ty Cobb, the rough-playing baseball superstar who used the n-word on Robinson. "I look forward to breaking down that mother------- s body," Shaq said of Yao Ming. "He said my name three times, two in Chinese and one in American. You don't ever call me out. I'm from LSU." Yao has never "called" Shaq out. But I am calling Shaq out. Come on down to Chinatown, Shaq. You disrespect Asian America, and we will break you down. Perhaps when you and the Lakers come to Houston on January 17 to play Yao Ming and the Rockets, the Asian American community will have a press conference waiting for you. Perhaps there, before a national audience, you can apologize to Yao Ming, forfeit your NAACP award, and implore young people not to follow your example. Or perhaps nothing will happen. Another racial slur will be left to sink slowly into the Asian American collective unconscious and ferment as self-loathing. And then we ll only have ourselves to call out. I'm already not a Lakers fan... now even more so. Hey Shaq... the Lakers suck donkey balls and your BK commercials suck. I hope the next time you're walking through Chinatown, Wah Ching or the Ghost Shadows put a .45 slug in each of your knee caps so your ugly face can kiss the ground that us "ching-chongs" walk on. >=( | (0) comments
Late night reading...
Well, I finally finished reading Philip Yancey's Disappointment With God about an hour ago. I've had the book for awhile... I'm sure my church library hates me, haha. Whenever I read books about Christianity or philosophy though, I always take awhile. I guess I'll be reading and then when an interesting idea/insight comes up, I always take my time to digest it and marinate on it. I guess it's more leisurely pace I have toward reading, compared to when I'm reading a periodical, a piece of fiction, or a biography - I just blaze straight through those at warp speed. I think this is the third Yancey book I've read and I'm pretty impressed with his abilities as a writer - his style has this honest candor that makes for easy reading, and the way he illustrates his idea, the clarity he brings - traits I can only dream of having in my only writing. Anyways, the focus of Yancey's writing in Disappointment With God revolves around 3 fundamental questions: Is God fair? Is God silent? IS God hidden? Yancey approaches each of these questions in a way that instead of seeking to give "pat answers", he looks at the questions and issues surrounding from perspectives we may not have considered. In other words, he lays out a different way of thinking about things, and lets you come to your own conclusions. One example that sticks out in my mind that Yancey talks about is the book of Job in Bible and how his story involves all three of the "questions". Job was a good man in perfect health, a faithful believer in God with 10 children, incredibly rich - and suddenly, everything he has is taken away - his property stolen and destroyed, his 10 children killed in a freak accident, and his body afflicted with painful sores. His friends come to see him and for almost 40 chapters of poetic verse, they debate they causes of pain, suffering, justice, and the existence of God. Finally, God Himself speaks, and Job is restored - his health, his family, and his wealth. I had always thought of Job's story as an illustration of human pain and suffering in unjust circumstances, but Yancey approaches the story from a difficult angle - that Job's story is a story of faith inspite of unjust circumstances. Yancey writes that one of the most pivotal points of the story is the very first chapter - what he calls "The Wager" between God and Satan. Job's story begins when God mentions Job by name to Satan, praising Job as faithful and good man. Satan replies that the only reason Job chooses to trust God is because God has granted him health, wealth, and a large family. God disagrees, and to prove his point, Satan is allowed free reign to kill Job's children, take his wealth, and afflict his health as long as he does not kill Job. In Yancey's eyes, "The Wager" goes to core of the story of God and his creation, humanity - if people have the free will to accept or reject God, what will they do? The debate between God and Satan is a clash of philosophies - on one hand stands Satan, as Yancey writes is: "...the first great behaviorist: Job was conditioned to love God, he (Satan) implied. Take away the rewards, and watch his faith crumble. The Wager put Satan's theory to the test." On the other side stands God, whose stance straddled an idea that I had already knew yet never considered nor thought about deeply: human beings, despite their circumstances, despite every reason they can have to not trust, still have the capacity to choose to believe in God. That somehow, humanity can concieve beyond this seen world to an unseen one, a spiritual one. For myself, it was convicting thing to read. In everything that's happened to me in my life - the deaths of father and other family members, an unmentored youth, the disappointments with church, with school, with career - the nagging doubts - will I still choose to cling to a faith in God who sometimes seems hidden, distant, and absent? I'm still marinating on that. My favorite passage from the book: Very often, disappointment with God begins in Job-like circumstances. The death of a child, a tragic accident, or a loss of a job may bring on the same questions Job asked. Why me? What does God have against me? Why does he seem so distant? As readers of Job's story, we can see behind the curtain to a contest being waged in the invisible world. But in our own trials, we will not have such insight... For Job, the battleground of faith involved lost possessions, lost family members, lost health... we may face a different struggle... at such times the outer circumstances will seem the real struggle. But the more important battle, as shown in Job, takes place inside of us. Will we trust God? Job teaches that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed. His struggle presents a glimpse of what the Bible elsewhere spells out in detail: the remarkable truth that our choices matter, not just to us and our own desiny but, amazingly, to God himself and the universe he rules... | (0) comments
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
I seem to be sleeping in only 4 hour intervals. Hrmph... not a very fortuitous number, that number 4.
Looks like the IIStix ppl have invaded this forum temporarily. While I can post there, it dosn't feel quite the same as IIStix, AsianWired, AMagazine, or the YOLK forums. It does however, remind me of Asian Avenue... and that's not a good thing. Maybe I'm just hella old. I seem to lack significant things to write these days. Perhaps sometime else... | (0) comments
Monday, January 06, 2003
Post digging...
My friend Mel and I were talking about quizzes (and how to cheat them). I remember making this quiz about a year ago. Funny, I took my own quiz and I think I missed one question... oops... hahaha. Man, the IIStix board better come back up soon or I'm gonna post my BLOG to death. | (0) comments
I just got up.
Oh yeah. Siobhan's not coming over today like she usually does, so that means I'm left to my own devices - and being as uncreative as I am of late, that probably means playing Warcraft3. Heh. | (0) comments
A picture from my birthday on the 28th... I'm Mr. "I dunno how to smile" in the middle. I would say it's an Asian man thing, but being that all the Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and Vietnamese people in this picture don't have a problem doing it, I'll attribute it to a disappointing childhood. My friend Grace took the picture on her phatty new Sony Cybershot DSC-U20 - an Xmas gift from her super cool beau, Joe. Nifty. Well, Sunday was my usual long-ish day... there was no practice for choir today, but I still had to get to church all nice and early for our first service performance. Pastor gave an interesting message on the history of the early Christian church in the book of Acts, though for some reason, the thing that stuck out the most to me from his message was a weird reference he made about the spiritual gift of tongues... hrm, more on that some other time. After church, my mom and I met with my sister to eat lunch at this pasteria in the U-Village. It's the first time we've seen her since she left for her urban missions trip to Atlanta - she got back on Friday. The family sat around and she got to show us some pictures and tell some us some stories. Apparently, Atlanta is actually a very clean and friendly city. She also had pictures of Martin Luther King Jr's old church, his "eternal flame" memorial, and his tombstone with a reflecting pool. Interesting stuff. I bounced over to Chong's after that to continue work on the video project around 2:30. More editing, more dubbing... wh00t. It's pretty much done, just 2 short scenes left to edit, which Chong will probably finish before the video's premiere on Wednesday. I left his house around 7:00, racing down to the airport to get there in time to pick up Siobhan, the highlight of my day. SeaTac was a zoo - people everywhere coming back from their holiday vacations, I suppose. Luckily, I didn't have any problems finding parking or finding her at the baggage terminal - I even snagged a free luggage cart I found sitting around in the garage. We watched TV at my house until she had to leave... she's gotta work tomorrow. For most everybody, Monday brings work, school, or both. Not me, of course... Back to the classifieds. *Sigh*. | (0) comments
Sunday, January 05, 2003
They talk about race relations. Relations? Race as an issue in America is about power and hierarchy, not about relations. Equal parties have relations.
Another great commentary by Jerry Large on current events. In talking about the issue, he doesn't mention Asian Americans, but I think his insights are pretty relevant. Also, speaking of race here in Seattle... you're twice as likely to be searched if you're not white if you get pooled over by the police, concludes a new study. Looks like the "liberal" Pacific Northwest still has a ways to go in terms of equal treatment of us non-white folks. =P | (0) comments
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Seeking solace in the small silences...
It's quiet in my house right now. My mom is out running errands and I just got back home from hanging out at Josh's and crashing the night. My friend Chris will be departing shortly back to LA, so the ancient trio of us hung out at Josh's pad, watching Austin Powers3, and knocking back a little booze. Apparently, Josh made out like a bandit at his last company meeting and to make a long story short, he's now got a whole fridge stocked full with Corona and Red Hook, courtesy of company dollar. I'm not the biggest beer fan in the world, but I did "liberate" several bottles, along with helping myself to a few shots of vodka from Josh's supply. Getting slammed was not the objective, but I did want to sleep well... heh. I think the vodka helped clear my sinuses too... ah, the miracles of firewater. In any case, I have this aching feeling that I should be doing something productive right now besides just sitting here thinking and typing. However, my soul is wisely reminded: It is Saturday. Time for a cat nap. | (0) comments
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Video-age...
Spent most of the day at the house of Ahn, doing more filming with Chong. I got to his place around 1:00pm with Chris and I stayed until about 8:30pm working on the video. We basically wrapped up shooting some misc scenes and recorded most of the audio dialogue to dub. Now, only the "fun" part is left to do... all the editing and scene sequencing. Wh00t. Random note: I just noticed that NW Source has posted a review of "Talk to Her", the movie I saw with Shiv awhile back before she left to visit home. | (0) comments
Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone. Leave you here wearin' your wounds Waving your guns at somebody new. Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost cause. There's too many people you used to know They see you coming they see you go. They know your secrets and you know theirs This town is crazy, but nobody cares. Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost cause. I'm tired of fighting I'm tired of fighting Fighting for a lost cause There's a place where you are going You ain't never been before There's no one laughing at your back now No one standing at your door Is that what you thought love was for? Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost Baby I'm a lost cause I'm tired of fighting I'm tired of fighting Fighting for a lost cause. Beck - "Lost Cause" | (0) comments
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
Sleep all day to live all night...
A soul half in the shadow, half in the light. I need to get some real rest. | (0) comments
Hindsight is 20/20...
Well, 2001 and 2002... you sucked donkey nuts. I sure hope 2003 is better, or I'm liable to squander more of my time on this planet hating the world. I'm in a real pissy mood right now. Maybe it's because I didn't win many games of War-crack tonight... maybe it's 'cause my crazy geezer dog pissed on the kitchen floor again, after I just mopped the whole thing again. Probably more the latter than the former. I think I've come to realize that in many ways, a series of cyclic events has characterized my life. I think my dog pissing on the kitchen floor is some sorta bizarre metaphor for my existence. No matter how much I clean up the floor my life, it always seems to get pissed on again by someone or something. To illustrate events: 1) Garrett is minding his own business, doing his best to live right. 2) Unforeseeable cosmic circumstance/drama/accident X happens 3) X causes plans to come undone, dreams to crumble, and life to be difficult 4) Garrett grits teeth, doesn't complain and deals with X 5) Garrett endures X, in hopes X will have some sort of meaning 6) X becomes bearable only after long period in which Garrett suffers it 7) Garrett goes on with life, but X remains in the background 8) Return to step 1) I think I'd feel better if I could see a purpose to things as they are... but I don't see a goddamn thing and it makes me pissy sometimes. Having a innate cynical bastard nature means that at present, things just have a way of building up and making me more jaded. These past 6 months, my mind has entertained many different solutions - some whimsical, some serious - all out of the realm of present reality, awash in this current meaningless day and age. People's platitudes and patronizing, while well-intentioned, are no longer welcome. I'd prefer not to even hear or think about your advice, unless you've come close to walking in my shoes - which you haven't. I swear the next person who walks up to my face and talks to me in a condescending manner is gonna be lose the ability to breah unassisted. Perhaps your bling-bling family payed your way through college, gave you a house and a car, fancy designer clothes, and hooked you up with job - good for you, but you can't relate to me. Don't pretend you "pulled yourself up by your boot straps", because you didn't. If you happen to see a bald-headed Chinese guy wandering the streets late at night, offer to buy him a drink rather than saying he should just get a job working at McDonald's. He'll respect you that much more for honoring his outdated sense of pride and dignity, because he didn't waste 5 goddamn years of his life to fry burgers. --- Song of the moment: Listening to 'George Winston - Variations on Pachelbel's Kanon' to try and soothe the savage beast. --- To my darling: Sorry I didn't call. I want you to be happy during your visit with your family, and not dealing with a gloomy me in a bad mood. You're my only treasure from these past 5 years, and while there are things I wish I could change, having you in my life is something I wouldn't. In your eyes, you see not just what I am, but what I could be... and I love you dearly for it. I hope you'll always know that, even if I don't say it enough. I'm waiting patiently for you to return. | (0) comments
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in?scrip?tion (n-skrip-shun)n.
the facts.
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