Wednesday, January 01, 2003
Hindsight is 20/20...
Well, 2001 and 2002... you sucked donkey nuts. I sure hope 2003 is better, or I'm liable to squander more of my time on this planet hating the world. I'm in a real pissy mood right now. Maybe it's because I didn't win many games of War-crack tonight... maybe it's 'cause my crazy geezer dog pissed on the kitchen floor again, after I just mopped the whole thing again. Probably more the latter than the former.
I think I've come to realize that in many ways, a series of cyclic events has characterized my life. I think my dog pissing on the kitchen floor is some sorta bizarre metaphor for my existence. No matter how much I clean up the floor my life, it always seems to get pissed on again by someone or something. To illustrate events:
1) Garrett is minding his own business, doing his best to live right.
2) Unforeseeable cosmic circumstance/drama/accident X happens
3) X causes plans to come undone, dreams to crumble, and life to be difficult
4) Garrett grits teeth, doesn't complain and deals with X
5) Garrett endures X, in hopes X will have some sort of meaning
6) X becomes bearable only after long period in which Garrett suffers it
7) Garrett goes on with life, but X remains in the background
8) Return to step 1)
I think I'd feel better if I could see a purpose to things as they are... but I don't see a goddamn thing and it makes me pissy sometimes. Having a innate cynical bastard nature means that at present, things just have a way of building up and making me more jaded. These past 6 months, my mind has entertained many different solutions - some whimsical, some serious - all out of the realm of present reality, awash in this current meaningless day and age.
People's platitudes and patronizing, while well-intentioned, are no longer welcome. I'd prefer not to even hear or think about your advice, unless you've come close to walking in my shoes - which you haven't. I swear the next person who walks up to my face and talks to me in a condescending manner is gonna be lose the ability to breah unassisted. Perhaps your bling-bling family payed your way through college, gave you a house and a car, fancy designer clothes, and hooked you up with job - good for you, but you can't relate to me. Don't pretend you "pulled yourself up by your boot straps", because you didn't.
If you happen to see a bald-headed Chinese guy wandering the streets late at night, offer to buy him a drink rather than saying he should just get a job working at McDonald's. He'll respect you that much more for honoring his outdated sense of pride and dignity, because he didn't waste 5 goddamn years of his life to fry burgers.
Song of the moment:
Listening to 'George Winston - Variations on Pachelbel's Kanon' to try and soothe the savage beast.
To my darling:
Sorry I didn't call. I want you to be happy during your visit with your family, and not dealing with a gloomy me in a bad mood. You're my only treasure from these past 5 years, and while there are things I wish I could change, having you in my life is something I wouldn't.
In your eyes, you see not just what I am, but what I could be... and I love you dearly for it. I hope you'll always know that, even if I don't say it enough.
I'm waiting patiently for you to return.
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