Friday, February 28, 2003
Ow... so... many... numbers...

Man, MOO3 is giving me accounting flashbacks. My cool uncle hooked me up with a copy.

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Today was an interesting day.

For work, I went out to Bellevue on the eastside with a co-worker to interview and film Kim Messer, a Korean adoptee and women's champion boxer. I'm not sure what surprised me more - the fact that she didn't look like man (haha) and she looked feminine... or that a person her size could move so fast and throw such powerful punches!

Kim was very laidback and cool, the type of person that's super easy to interview. She demonstrated some basic boxing exercises, punching techniques, footwork, and combinations. Since she's also an accompished kickboxer, she showed some basic Muay Thai-style kicking, as well as explained the technical differents between Western-style boxing and kickboxing.

In an unrelated note, my uncle is in town visiting this weekend, should be fun doing the usual "family thing" - which for Chinese people, means lots of eating out... heh.

Hrmm, I should get some sleep. The kids at my church have their 30 Hour Famine event tomorrow, which is going to be an all-nighter / sleep over at the church playing games and hanging out. Michael Chang (yes, the Michael Chang, the same guy who won the 1989 French Open) is also coming to speak at my church tomorrow evening before the kids have their event. They're throwing a special event for him, so people can come and hear him give his testimony. I anticipate crazy amounts of people there... oh man...

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Thursday, February 27, 2003

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

1 John 3:16-20


Well, I had Bible study last night... it's been awhile since I've been there, having missed the last couple of meetings because of my temp job/errands. I work mostly nights/afternoons, so it tends to bump my usual evening activities out of the way.

The above verse was part of the study we did yesterday. The first verse, verse 16, is familar to me in that it was theme verse for AACF the year I was on core. It was also the same year I had just gotten back from my summer mission trip to Brasil. I was a lot more sure of my future and things then. These days, my confidence in both those things is no where near as unshakeable as it was then.

Having now almost gone through an entire full year without FT employment has been a jarring experience, something I never expected to happen when I graduated last March. Even during the first few months, when I was filling out applications and going to interviews, I didn't expect things to last beyond 6-8 months... but here I am. Oh sure, there were a couple of times I thought there was light at the end of tunnel, but it's still dark right now. And it's not just me, either... many of my good friends from college, all of them good people, have been forced into similar circumstances. I sympathize with them. But does our collective misery help me feel better? Not really.

As time ticks away, and idle moments abound, my mind's eye always turns inward, and the scrutiny is a harsh light to shine on oneself.

I was talking with a friend recently about how the underlying issue beneath all personal issues is our relationship with God and our faith (or lack there of). Every problem, every burden, every wound that we bear points to the imperfection of ourselves and the imperfection of this world. It also, by our awareness of imperfection points to the perfection of God and our need for Him to be a part of our lives. Once we believe in Him, we also become aware that a big part of Him manifesting himself in our lives is when we seek to emulate his character in action - like the verse says, in "actions and in truth".

This supposedly is our assurance of our faith. Yet, even the passage notes that despite our attempts to live virtuously, our "hearts" can still unjustly condemn us. I think that's why this passage struck me... I'm still grappling with myself and my own person condemnation. I remember reading awhile back about this sociological survey that found that for Asian Americans, one of the most powerful motivators in their lives is guilt - guilt from family, guilt from cultural standards, and yes, self-inflicted guilt.

It's frightening to look your accuser in the eye when sometimes, he wears your own face.

I've never thought of myself as a very self-critical person, at least not any more self-critical than a person should normally be. But every person has a personal hell, a part of their psyche that carries something that is hard to bear. It's a place where personal demons hide away, and if circumstances allow, when God has all but left a gaping absence, they run amuck. They haunt my sleep and scream in the silences.

Self-medication is becoming a bad habit just to get z's and make them shut up.

Perhaps my lack of justification is the means in which they leap out and dance about in plain view, a parade of pelvic thrusting and cruel laughter that echos the phrase, "HA TOLD YOU SO". After all, if I was working right now, I'd have the twin benefits of 1) knowing all the time I sacrificed during college toward my altruistic volunteerism wasn't a bad idea; 2) my mind would be occupied with the daily concerns of my 9-5, not giving space for these things to bother me.

Instead, I'm forced to confront the possibility that the one life I have to live has already been squandered away. It's like a twisted version of the prodigal son, where instead of spending money on booze and hoes, I've spent my time on God and what I thought was His work, and still feeling wasted from the effort. Am I just to concede that practical matters of worrying about feeding ones ownself should have taken precedence? I used to have a deep conviction that those who give will themselves be some way provided for. The conviction must now answer to the personal demons, the nagging doubts.

I'm never been an advocate of the opposite extreme, of a selfish and greedy life. But experience now suggests that its antithesis, a life wholely devoted to spiritual matters, is just as dangerous. I'm teetering on the edge, and if the wind doesn't change soon, I don't want to imagine what the fall will be like.

Like I've written before, I never asked for an easy life. Of course, I never asked for an extraordinarily difficult one either. Do I merit my own condemnation? Maybe it is unjustified... but for now, I lack the evidence to defend myself against myself.

wh00t. Time for nap. Work in 2 hours.

Random news:

Mr. Rogers dies, age 74. Did you know he was an ordained Presbyterian minister? Learn something new everyday.

Man, you know you're getting old when your childhood icons pass on...

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Wednesday, February 26, 2003
And life goes on?

I guess it always does.

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"I thought you quit!"

...exclaimed a visiting kenshi who I haven't seen in a long time.

Kendo practice was aight, I wasn't really 100% into it tonight, but then again, when I get into certain moods, I'm never really 100% into anything. I thought about skipping tonight, but I'm glad I didn't. My old friend Jin Shin from my UW kendo days came to visit and practice at Renton, which was coo. I haven't seen the guy in like 3 or 4 years.

Basically after graduation, Jin went back home to South Korea, because he thought he had a job and a "work exemption" from military service... but oops, nope. The poor guy got drafted into the Korean army almost soon as he set foot again on Korean soil. Jin is a pretty laidback guy, a funny guy who doesn't mind cracking jokes and such, which is probably why military service sucked for him... he ain't really the serious or disciplined type. On the otherhand, that's one of the reasons I always liked sparring with him. He brought out the joy in fighting, a sort of "AND 1" style of fighting that was fun.

So anyways, he served in the army for about 2.5 years, and just last year, finally got out. Now he's working, and he came back to Seattle to visit for a little bit.

Seeing Jin reminds me of a funny party story that happened I think my sophmore year at the UW. During that time, my life and faith was at another low point, having messed up a perfectly great platonic friendship with a girl I had been spending a lot of time with that year - as you might guess, I started catching romantic feelings and like a dummy, I spilled in an idiotic letter that let it all out. I shoulda chucked that letter, but I was weak and I gave it to her. The rejection stung pretty bad. Feeling pretty much like another stupid heartbroken fool, I sought drink as a brief vice.

So it was Jin's birthday party, and he threw this obnoxious kegger at his house. He invited all the people from UW kendo club to come, along with the rest of his other friends, mostly Korean, and mostly guys. There also was this group of like 4 Korean girls dressed up like they were going to go clubbing who were at the house when I came, and the party was reeeeeeeally quiet. Like all the guys wanted to be courteous or something while they were around.

As soon as "club girls" bugged out, everybody started getting their CRAZY drink on... drinking games, shotgunning beer. They even made the birthday boy Jin hit like 5-7 shots of this cheap tequila in a row, with the last shot having the WORM that was in the bottle. I think drinking the worm sent Jin outside puking... that was like straight-up Fear Factor-ish stuff. Red-faced people were everywhere acting stupid (except for me of course, thanks to my genes and a healthy tolerance). As usual, I skipped over the beer and I made a beeline to secure me some hard stuff... gotta love a super-sized rum & coke in one of dem plastic red cups, heh heh.

Anyways, by the end of the night, fools were passed out everywhere, including people from the kendo club. My pal Neil, another kendo guy, was this huge muscular white d00d who ummm... had passed out facedown in his own vomit. Nasty. Another guy, Eric, was drunkenly quoting lines from "Conan the Barbarian"... hilarious. Along with the only other guy in control of his liquor, Gerald the designated driver, we had to drag all the passed out and half-faded folks into his car, 4 of 'em all together. Neil, the big guy... took like 3 of us to get his unconscious self into the back.

We drove back to campus with 4 drunken fools in the back, with me riding shotgun... UW police pulled us over and we just about pissed our pants, 'cause 2 of them were minors. I shut my mouth and braced myself for the worst, but the cop actually complimented us on driving our drunken homies back to home, and he left us go. Phew. Man, the stupidity of alcohol... if seeing fools puking worms, and lying facedown in barf doesn't convince you to drink wisely, nothing will.

OK, no more stories. Time for morning cereal and sleep.

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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
My community... it's what I live for.

"Community" by Mountain Brothers

(girl singing)
(scratch: My community... it's what I live for)


Chops:

Yo, that wrong about your Moms I was hoping/
see the way we heard they say she had deserved that promotion.
no openin' for 'yellow slopes' in an upper management/
'The Man' had said she wasn't 'man enough to handle it,' damn/
but what about that company she was gonna be runnin'?
we could start it up again with all the friends lending a hand/
it's just a vegetable stand, but it's an honest living/
and given some time it'll expand...

Styles Infinite:

Dear aunt you're working nine to nine, ya fingers to the bone/
you have to hide behind a Singer 'fore the time the sun shows.
my mom and sis knows no solution is Absolut for you
a dozen buttons ain't nothing when you're buzzin'must be tough fo'/
my cousins, if you wanted should have asked us
but then you'd just sew yourself a shroud so debutantes can go strapless
get the matchbooks, let's play arson in this bit
I'll get your boss for this, entitled to your 3 swift, the cost of effort...

Peril-L:

Ever since day one, never once did you stray son from the path
under the wrath/ you smile and say it's fun to come to math class
and laugh past with straight A's /
while your scrawl'n fly drawings on your desk ignore the teacher's call'n
not falling behind, but your minds not in biology
hollowly words ring, so ask yourself, "Why follow/
the old examples, because this road's been trampled by ample feet,
so only a damn fool would do such."

Hook:

(girl singing)
(scratch: My community... it's what I live for)

Chops:

"You know I gotta break some bones if you don't cooperate there, homes"/
all in his face and take'n him to the station
Told the po-po no affiliation, still he's take'n photos/
"What I'd do?"
"It's just the guys like you, we need you for this routine procedure."/
but what a shame... what's a picture without a frame?
"You all look the same to us, kid,
it's about time somebody took the blame for these crimes and got busted."
what this? Blind justice...

Peril-L:

As your best friend, yo peep it I've been meaning to mention/
your Ms. Right likes just white men and European descension
me and my henchmen call her "banana pick"/
saw her hold hands with Mitch, that dude Chet, Aaron and a rich clown named Timmy
matter of fact, might as well stick down your jimmy
I know it's no fair, you're getting nowhere around that slimmy
she's a stranger to herself, but maybe we can change her/
the way I see it's quite foul, right now she's in danger

Styles Infinite:

Listen here, Miss Vincent 'keep your' Chin lifted/
I know your mister's lynching got you in an irrate state now face it
makes an Asian wanna go uptown, and all buckdowns and break sh!t /
take it in our own hands.
but you know, 'sides those two ghosts, the man you hate ought be the magistrate/
a fine, but no time, means open hunting season on Asians
permits goin' at 3 g's a piece, plus probation
but wait, if it were the reverse,
he'd have earned himself an injection.

Hook:

(girl singing)
(scratch: My community... it's what I live for)


You can download the song here... Mountain Brothers - Community.
Right-click and "Save Target As".

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Reverse Racist...

I'm gonna take every white man from his job and force him to construct light rail transit systems for 50 cents an hour. When they're done I'll make sure they are moved to a special little section of town that we'll call Whiteyville, where tourists can come to shop for curios and eat exotic hot dish meals. When the American mainstream tongue gets a taste for hot dish, I'm going to open my own fusion hot dish restaurants where I combine hot dish with Asian recipes, and charge people ten times what the food is worth. All the waiters and waitresses will be forced to wear traditional Scandinavian garb.

I'm going to run for office, promising equality for white men, then when I get elected I'm going to pass laws that forbid white guys from marrying Asian women. Then I'm going to hit on every single white woman I see and spread rumors about how white guys got small d*cks and how white guys are no good for women because they come from such a male dominated society.

I'm going to teach nothing but Asian American history in every classroom, and when little Morty Crackerman raises his hand and asks "Teacher, teacher, why don't we study any white people?" I will have him branded as a troublemaker and suspend him from school for 3 days. Then I will feel a little guilty about it and declare National Whitey Appreciation Week, we'll study the contributions of Kip Winger and Harold Bloom while eating hamburgers and listening to Smashmouth. We will watch the Honkeytown Crackers play against the Whiteyville Honkies, and in the bleachers we'll do the Wave and the "white men can't dance" dance.

When white men complain, I'll sigh deeply and say, "Hey, things are better for you now. You should have tried being around twenty years ago, before me and some other good Asians marched with you white people for your rights. Don't blame me for racism, that stuff happened a long time ago, and anyway, I can't be racist! My girlfriend is white and so are some of my best friends and servants!"

Every time a white man f*!&% up, I'll just shake my head sorrowfully and say, "See?" Then I'll declare that there are too many white men in America, and i'll deport them. And i'll restrict immigration for white men. The only white men allowed into this country will be the most highly educated white men from Europe: I mean, hey, we need someone to work behind the counter at the gas stations for minimum wage, and who else is gonna drive taxis or run 24 hour grocery stores in the hood?

I'm gonna build garbage dumps in white neighborhoods and make sure there's a lot of lead in their water supply. When the power cuts out in the city, it'll be at least three days till it gets back on for white people cuz they're gonna fix the power lines in Asian hoods first.

When white men become successful, I'll beat them down in the street and make sure my Asian friends in the news don't report on it, and if it goes to trial i'll make sure the all Asian jury and Asian judge pardons me. Just to be safe, then after all this hard (yet satisfying) work exploiting and oppressing and mindf*!&%ing whitey, I'm going on vacation to Europe, with a big a$$ backpack, smoking French cigarettes, I will not shave nor take a shower, complain about how dirty Europeans live, then go to those special clubs where white women pay to meet Asian American men. Maybe I'll even marry one of them and take them back with me, but maybe not, cuz I can only have so much luggage and I can always send for one by mail order later on. I will open branches of my fastfood chains and hotels on European soil, and I'll grease the palms of shady white Europeans so they can keep an eye on things and if they f*!&% up: hey, it's their fault.

Due to terrorist hate crimes against Asians, I will declare war on Europe. Just to be safe, I'm gonna forcibly remove white American people from their homes because I feel they are a threat to national security. They can stay at the dog racing tracks until we are sure that they are good and loyal to this country. And we will take everything they ever owned. I will recruit white people to fight against other white people, promising that we'll take care of them if things go wrong, but if things do go wrong and white people find their way into overcrowded planes and leaky boats to seek refuge in Asian America, I'll turn them away and say "Sorry! No room."

During the war, I will drown my sorrows at dramatically lit bars in Europe. I will win a white prostitute from her evil white pimp in a game of cards. We will have sex, and she will fall in love with me. I will leave her, pregnant, in Europe. When I come back to visit her, she thrusts her baby into my arms, tells me that Asian America is a much better place for our bastard lovechild, and then she will kill herself. Tragic, but good drama. So good, in fact, that I turn it into a Broadway musical and make a ton of money off of it. Asian actors will put on white makeup and act like white people. You know, I'd love to put real white people in the play, but they're just not talented enough.

When white men form their own groups to protect themselves, I'll accuse them of being separatists and reverse racists, and force them to let me into their groups. Then I'll cut their budgets because they're really not serving the majority of people. And when they crumple into a ball, when they raise their voices to speak, when they go insane from it all, that's when I'll pat them on the back, and say, "That's just the way it is. But we're all human. Don't hate me, don't be a reverse racist."

---

("Reverse Racist" was written by Bao Phi. And if you didn't know... it's SATIRE. Check him out at http://www.baophi.com.)

On another Asian American note...

The Mountain Brothers have finally dropped their 2nd full-length LP! Nice. If you dig hip-hop, cop yourself a copy. I know what I'm doing when I get my first ghetto paycheck from my temp job...

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Monday, February 24, 2003
Congrats to Norah Jones!



The Grammy Awards actually got something right for once... Norah Jones went home with 5 different Grammy Awards for her album "Come Away With Me". You can check out a pretty complete summary in this article by the NY Times. Hurray for talented artists who buck the trends of mindless pop music garbage to write their own stuff and perform it well. She was the highlight of the night...

Worst category had to be "rock"... no nominations or performances by The White Stripes, The Hives, or The Vines? Those poor stuffy Grammy organizers need to get out more.

Is the era of corporation-manufactured music coming to an end? I hope so. The Seattle Times had an interesting article about the meltdown of the music industry here... like similar articles, it parallels the present times of mass CD burning and the Internet to the crossroads the music industry faced both when the record was invented, and when radio became popularized. It has to change dramatically to survive.

Random note:

Fans of the game Big2 AKA "13" AKA Pasoy Dos AKA Cho Dai Di should download this nifty program. It has all the regular rules (Vegas suits, Pokerhands, etc) and it allows you to play with people over the internet. Also, it has a built in score keeping system with the standard the double/triple scoring system and a chat dialogue window!

Simo, Mel, Ray, and Mel Ok messaged each via IM to meet up and play on a table I hosted. Lots of fun in a simple, straightforward, and easy to use program. Wh00t, thank you Chinese computer geeks / code monkeys who made this prog. I love you. ;)

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Sunday, February 23, 2003
Sometimes, the long days seem longer.

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Another reason to hate Starbucks...

Majority owner Howard Schultz implying GP was never a "leader"? Whatever, Mr. Crappy Corporate Coffee Wh0re... you disrespect a man who's spent 13 years playing for our city and giving to our community, and has produced statistically in every basketball category except for kissing ownership-arse.

You also trade away a young star who was the future of the Sonics, a high-flying talent who along with his considerable skills, had considerable HEART - Desmond Mason lead the NBA in community appearances last year.

I might as well slap a suit on my senile dog and let him make management decisions - because what you've done can hardly be topped, in terms of stupidity. Every sportscaster and newspaper is laughing at the Sonics.

More on Gary Payton & Desmond Mason trade.

Add Starbucks to my boycott list along with A&F. Homos.

Speaking of the NBA... did y'all know the first person of color to play in the NBA was Japanese American? Meet Wat Misaka, of the 1947-48 Knicks.

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Saturday, February 22, 2003
The Legend of Drunken Bah-Sturd...

Thank the Lord for a bumper crop of wines this year... I'm sip'n some homemade sangria, all thanks to a bottle of cheap Chilean cabernet melot I bought at Safeway. Besides the sexy, oh-so-hottie, less-than-$5 price, what attracted me to this particular red wine was the name... Gato Negro! Hahaha. Good stuff. I think I might have invented a new kind of sangria... mango juice and fresh orange slices mixed with the wine... THE BOMB! I'm almost done with the whole bottle. A good celebration treat to mark the end of living alone... the mother flies back this morning from HK.

I just got done with a night of war-crack... various 1v1 games and some fun arranged team 2v2 with the IIStix crew. Since Shiv is away visiting her siblings, I'm allowing myself to misbehave, bwahaha. Alcohol and latenight/morning video games... mmm, lots o' fun. I bet Shiv would scowl at me if she saw me right now... a big bum. Not drunk tho... my tolerance is a bit too high. But definitely the alcohol is keeping me warm... my damn cold house. heh.

But in all seriousness, when I think about things, I guess it amuses me. I mean, if one of the major differences between Siobhan and me is video games, I'd say life is pretty good. She actually doesn't hate video games, she's just a little more sensible in that she points out to me that yes, I shouldn't play in excess and neglect the other areas of my life. Shiv indulges me my little "habit" and I love her for it, heh. One of the many reasons I care so much about her and our relationship. I think past experiences have made me appreciate her a lot more as my GF.

I can remember my first "girlfriend" was my senior year in high school... which we all know is filled with rather fleeting relationships, and mine of course, was no different. Emiko (not her real name) was this tall happa girl (half Japanese half white) that I had known in passing through kendo before we started dating. She went to a different high school from me, so I never really saw her much... in fact, before our relationship, the most time I spent with her was on the floor, sparring or doing drills at practice (and yeah, she used to kick my azz... she was a sensei's daughter). At that time in my life, I was going to kendo practice about 2-3 times a week.

Anyways, I had never given much thought to having a girlfriend in high school. Sure, the thought would pass in my mind like "Daaaaaamn, it'd be nice if so-and-so was my girl", but I never did anything about it. I hated high school... hated dances, never went to any of them. So imagine my surprise when I get a phone call outta the blue...

"Hello, can I speak to Garrett?"
"Yeah... this is Garrett. Who's this?"
"It's Emiko... how are you?"
"I'm fine. What's up?"
"Ummm... uh... are you doing anything (some day in May)?"
"Naw, I don't think so... why, is there kendo practice that day?"
"No... ummm... would you like to take me to my Senior Prom?"
"!!! ..."


That's pretty much how it started... she asked me to senior prom. I was totally broadsided, I didn't see that one coming in like a million years. Emiko wasn't Miss America, but she was cute... long hair, tall, athletic, and not fat... not the person I would normally think that would have trouble finding a date. My guess was probably guys were intimidated by her dominant personality - her confidence almost bordered on bossy-ness, but personally I had always found strong-willed women to be attractive (that's still true today, Shiv has a strong will too, haha).

I don't really remember what I said exactly, but I muttered along the lines of "yes".

So I took her to her school's senior prom and we started dating shortly after. The words "love" or "committment" never crossed my mind, but I was like "what the hell" and went passively along with it. After all, what guy doesn't like being pursued by an attractive girl? Being it was my first romantic relationship, it was as much about gratifying my male ego as it was exploring the uncharted world of dating. I realize now that there was probably a strong part of me back then that felt the need to have a GF as some sort of justification or proof of my "manhood". Silly, huh? A lot of guys have that problem, I think... the need to have a GF just so they can feel like a "man".

We dated for 4 months after her prom and after the first month, I started to see problems already...

First, Emiko had never had an Asian American boyfriend before... she had dated a couple of white guys before, but along came me and for her, it was a sort strange trip I think, because she wasn't aware of certain cultural issues - things like family obligations or my attitudes at about certain racial issues. Then again, I think the fact that I was Chinese was a big plus to her... allowed her explore her Asian American identity, which had been fractured by a broken family (her mother had divorced her father and he had re-married). She was super-Americanized too... not Japanese or even Japanese American at all, so we had some culture shock incidents. But hey, at least I got to introduce her yum cha (dim sum).

Second, at the time I had just re-discovered my faith and was becoming a very strong Christian... Emiko was non-Christian. Her family was agnostic, and probably the closest set of spiritual/philosophical beliefs she had came from Zen Buddhism/Confucianism that is inherent in kendo. To her, being Christian was just going to church on Sundays... when other issues came up and I'd refer her back to my faith, that brought about small clashes. We never had yelling matches or fistfights, but there was always tension beneath the surface... at least I felt it.

One day, I finally sat down and thought to myself,"Can I really see any sort of future with her?" I knew the answer was an emphatic "no" before I even really contemplated the question. I had just sorta been floating around in the relationship because it was easier to maintain it then it was to end it.

So I wrote my feelings in a letter, said she was nice girl, blah blah, wrote about how I truly felt, and put the letter in the envelope. I invited her out to dinner at a nice restaurant and was quiet the whole dinner... she asked what was wrong and I broke up with her during the middle of dinner... I'll never forget the look on her face, the shock. I could have jumped up on the table and did the Macarena naked, and I think her face would have still not as looked as shocked as it did.

I made sure to drive separately so we wouldn't have the weird-ness "drive home in silence" thing, and I gave her the letter before we departed. A wise friend had help me plan that. She cried in the parking lot, hugged me, and asked me to change my mind. I didn't.

We didn't meet after that. Two weeks later, she sent me letter saying she appreciated my letter and understood my reasons. She said she wanted to drive by and break all the windows of my house until she read my letter. Whew, thank God I'm a writer.

Yeah, I'm a bastard. But the bastard I was then, made me the man I am today. Perhaps all guys have to have a messed up first relationship in order to successfully maintain a real one, eh?

When I think of what I have with Siobhan, I'm grateful. Sure, we don't have every single hobby and interest in common... I like hip-hop, she likes pop; I like watching fighting, she likes to watch dancing... but so what? It's easy for a person to change to new tastes or new hobbies... it's nearly impossible for a person to change their character, their personality and beliefs, much less expect somebody else to change.

Emiko and I shared a love for kendo, video games, movies... but it was would have never worked out, and as nice as she was, we clashed on issues of culture and faith - serious stuff. Siobhan doesn't do kendo, rarely plays video games... but she's kind to others, humble, loyal to her friends, loves her family, and is passionate about her faith and about life. I admire all those things, and she happens to have them all. She turns the cynic in me into an optimist.

I dated Emiko with all the wrong reasons, and finally ended our relationship for all the right ones. I sort of fell into dating Emiko and just chose to go with the flow... but I consciously chose to date Siobhan and I choose daily to love her. I guess I'm mature enough to realize that dating isn't a game... it's a serious business, this opening up yourself, spending time with somebody, and *gasp* - considering the possibility of living your whole life with them. I regret how I treated Emiko, how I never really was serious when I dated her, but at least we're probably both wiser from the encounter... like I said, in this case, the past makes me appreciate the present.

Wow, this was long entry. And my bottle's empty.

Nap time... picking up the moms in an hour.

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Friday, February 21, 2003
From the IIStix boards, my endless source of foolish daily amusement... hahahaha:

Dear Aphr0,

My GF hates it when I play Warcraft and other video games... I think she wishes I'd take ballet classes or some crap like that.

Is there a way to peacefully bridge the gap between us, so we both can be happy?

signed,

War-crack addict


***

Dear War-crack addict,

Teach her to play warcrack with u...so u can both be on crack.

If she doesn't like it....then show her what u look like in a tu-tu and bloomers. she just might change her mind. Show her something kinda like this:



(i got lazy and didn't finish the drawing...so you're missing just a *few* body parts)


When it's all said and done, lick her ear.

Aphr0

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Thursday, February 20, 2003
The Seattle Supersonics make another stupid trade... geez, can the organization be any more stupid?

GP, the man is Mr. Sonic next to good 'ol Nate. And Mason is up and coming star... a beast in the paint and a dunk monster! Two VERY good players... and for what?

Ray Allen... sheesh, he's aight... but Kevin Ollie?? And some unnamed, crappy 3rd player? Ray Allen DOES NOT EQUAL Gary Payton. NEGRO, PLEASE!

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sometimes we win, sometimes we lose
and sometimes... we lose a lot
in reflection, i often pause to contemplate
is life just a zero-sum game?
i'd like to think that it's more than that
but what i like is irrelevant
are 'those who are without' merely the objects
that 'those who are with' draw comfort by comparison?
counting the moments from tragedy to tragedy
they pile high... a burden any soul groans to bear
each sad moment grows larger in the mind's eye
as if memory itself fed them to absurd sizes
they burst at the seams of my heart
a slow motion explosion of stupid irony
proof that my dissatisfaction is uncharted
an infinite expanse that longs to pour out
and flood the silent landscape with my bitterness
washing out the platitudes, cliches, and false optimism
that helped hope choke in my throat
i spew it all out of my mouth
while the back of my hand wipes the corners
and i stare down the sky...
ready for more.



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Poverty sucks.

But then again, when did it ever not? I just noticed that tickets to the Norah Jones show at Marymoor Park in August go on sale this Saturday. I'm betting they're gonna be pricey... especially if she wins some Grammy's, the cost is gonna shoot through the roof.

Rats. I wish I had a "real job"... it'd be nice to take Siobhan to the show, since she's the one who first introduced me to Norah Jones' music in the first place... =(

Yep... poverty sucks. I should become a kingpin of my own La Corporacion...

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Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I am a demi-god of domestication.

Just finished mopping the kitchen floor (again) and washing all the dishes... I'm determined to make sure the house is cleaner than it was before my Mom left so she has no excuse to point a figure at me and say that I'm the one who "makes the house dirty". Yes, I'm disorganized... but I'm not dirty. There's a difference... yep.

Back to errands...

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Oof...

Well, tonight's kendo practice followed pretty much the same formula as last Tuesday's practice a couple of weeks ago. I can feel some things coming back to me, but more often than not, I feel betrayed by my own body. Hahaha... I'm 24 and already bones/muscles are creaking and straining. I guess high school/early college was my glory years...

Speaking of glory years, I gave a ride to practice to my friend Jeff. When I first started, he was just a short happa kid in like 5th grade... now he's a sophomore in high school and DAMN, that boy grew like a weed. He's about 6 foot and he's still growing. I was talking to him and this last week at the shinsa (test for rank) he recieved his nidan rank (2nd degree blackbelt). Fighting him used to be a cinch... now, he's a seriously tough cookie. Pretty awesome for a kid his age... I hope he doesn't slack off like me when he gets to college.

Shesh... kendo always makes me nostalgic. Sigh. Like I was telling Shiv, it's something I used to be great at and now, because of neglect... it's sorta sad. Wasted time, wasted talent. Wasted. What an odd word. I usually use it describe a state of alcoholic excess... but it's been in the back of my brain lately. Squandered. Not used profitably. Needlessly used. Deteriorated. Frail.

I'm sure that it's no secret fact that the surest and quickest way to strip a man of his confidence, dignity, and general will to live is to make him useless. Unnecessary. Purposeless, pointless, and unneeded. Reduce him to that and he becomes a wasteland. Everyone take note, especially women... in case you ever want to destroy a future male you might happen to someday meet, now you know.

But yeah... on an entertainment note, the last episode of Kingpin was tonight. It sorta had an "open ending", so the end was anti-climatic... I suppose NBC is testing the water to see if a full-season series would be popular. I was entertained, but we'll see... I find my tastes in music, movies, and TV to be rarely in line with what's popular. I sense it could possibly be retired to the dustbins of TV limbo.

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Tuesday, February 18, 2003


For me to poop on...

Triumph the Insult Comedic Dog videos... one of the few things that saves me from a humorless existance...

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Monday, February 17, 2003
Damn dog...

I finally have an excuse for weird sleeping patterns... I've been sleeping now in shifts of like 4 hours, because that's when my dog wakes back up to pace around and howl... he misses my Mom. Other than that, I love living alone. I enjoy the solitude, and not having my Mom nag me about this/that...

Yesterday, went to church early as usual for choir and then stayed afterwards for practice. There was some pretty big news... apparently, our board of deacons/moderators has asked our interim Senior Pastor to take a one month paid leave. No reasons were given with the announcement, except... "Don't ask why..." Sheesh, politics. Not that I'm surprised... the waters have been stirring for awhile.

My old roommate Dave and I used to every once inawhile kick around conversations about the relevance of "church" in modern day life... what purpose does it really serve? People go to church for a lot of different reasons - they go because they grew up there... to socialize with their ethnic/cultural community... out of guilt... etc. People also have a ton of reasons for NOT going to church, and I respect that too. Oddly enough, when people talk to me about their reasons for going/for not going to church, seldom mentioned is God or other spiritual reasons.

It's unfortunate that a lot people think this way, because I really believe that wanting to know God/not wanting to know God should be the central issue of whether or not a person attends church. It's sad to say, but churches themselves are often guilty of creating reputations/experiences that push people away from God, rather then helping them to draw closer.

Of course, I also think that your average person could care less about God or other spiritual matters. American culture has become so hyper-consumerized, that beyond our physical/physiological needs, most people rarely give thoughts to other matters. I think it was Maslow's hierarchy of needs that described that physical needs is our most base desire, yet once those have been fully met, people will also seek to fulfill other needs... hence, the role that the Church should be playing in society. Don't get me wrong, I believe that churches should also play a strong role in social justice and helping people's physical needs... but if it isn't addressing it's main purpose of ministering to people's spiritual hunger, there's something very wrong...

Like I wrote in my lesson a few weeks ago, everybody will come to a point in their life where they will have to wrestle with that spiritual hunger. When the distractions of our daily life aren't as present; when we're not at work, at school, driving on the freeway, or playing around on our computers... when disappointments and pain come to the forefront, people will have to reckon with themselves the questions of "What is my life really about? Does my life have a purpose? Is there nothing else really to life, but eating, sleeping, working, and dying?"

The Church (ie, the universal Christian church) needs to be there so people can find the answers to those questions.

But yeah, I sympathize with people who have had bad experiences at church. I really do... I wish everyone I knew who needed a good church could find one to go to, just like I always direct folks who are church looking to check out Jubilee or Lighthouse. Sadly, I think my church is only for the hardcore, people who are willing to suffer sacrificially for their faith in helping to build up CBC into something better than it is right now. God willing, I'm on a mission to make CBC my own Jubilee or Lighthouse, hahaha. Now if I could just jack... er, borrow, King's Fools and Pastor Wayne Ogimachi... haha. =)

Yeah, I've thought of leaving my church plenty of times - after all, plenty of people I knew growing up already have abandoned ship for calmer waters - but in the end, I decided that staying was not just for myself, but for others as well, especially the kids that are growing up just like me - raised in the church, approaching that age of reckoning when they start to really question, "Am I here because my parents bring me here every week, or do I really believe in what's being taught here?" Like I've said before, I think at this pointin my spiritual growth, I'm obligated by love and by faith to put out a greater effort to minister to others than just myself. People whose faith is younger / brand-new are not obligated in that same way... hence, the reason I point them to Jubilee or Lighthouse.

Ha, I go off and sermon-ize a lot, eh? Too much on my mind.

Anyways, Siobhan and I cooked dinner for Josh and Val yesterday too... we managed to duplicate our old AACF staffer Christine Nakano's recipe, Auntie Taka's chicken. Mmmmm... it was REALLY good. Basically, it consists of small nuggets of chicken rolled in panko and deep-fried... and after it's been fried, you dunk it in a cold mixture sauce of shoyu / sugar / crushed red pepper / garlic / slice green onion. Also had rice and a mandarin orange / rice vinegar salad. A lot of fun... Josh and Val got to tell us some more horror stories about family during this period of planning for their wedding. Since I'm one of the groomsmen, I'm going to go with Josh later next week to pick out tuxes.

Fun...

Josh and I lost our Taboo re-match with the Shiv and Val. Damn, so close... stupid game. I swear, they got all the easy cards. I can't believe I'm now at the point in my life where I'm playing "couple's board games". Lord, I'm getting OLD... hahaha.

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Saturday, February 15, 2003
Thanks for dinner, darling... =)

Hope everybody had a fun and safe Valentine's Day. Sure, the holiday is shamelessly commercial, but as long as you use it celebrate your love for somebody, I think it's all gravy (versus, thoughtlessly dropping wads of cash like it was X-Mas Part 2).

Yesterday, I was probably in the incredible tiny minority of men who were lucky enough to be taken care of by their significant others. Siobhan insisted on making dinner and planning the evening for me, so who am I to stop her? heh heh. =) Dinner was at her house, where we had a nice candlelight dinner... Shiv cooked some salmon, green beans, and of course... rice. She also made some nice sangria (yeah, I know you're supposed to drink white wine with seafood, but I'm a red wine fan) to go with the meal. Dessert was a super-rich chocolate tort. It was nice to have salmon... I enjoy it a lot, but don't get to eat that often (poverty sucks). We took our time eating and just talked.

Call me ordinary, but I love the simple things sometimes...

Afterwards, we went grocery shopping to buy some food for a Sunday night dinner we're cooking together for some friends. She found it funny we were all dressed up to just wander around Albertson's... haha. Finished that, came back to her place, and of course, exchanged small presents. I handmade for her a bouqet of 50 origami flowers, of various types and colors... tulips, irises, lotuses, roses, etc. Each flower with a special note attached to the stem (50 different things I love/admire about her, 1 for each flower). Yeah, I'm poor, but I got a lot of time... guess my gift reflects that. Shiv gave me a huge framed 1000 piece puzzle of this Caroline Young picture, Immortal Melody... she had put the puzzle together herself with some help from her roommates. The picture is of a beautiful girl and a tiger... perhaps some symbolism of "Beauty and the Beast", hahaha? I thought it was great present, a reminder of this day.

Then, knowing the movie junkie that I am, she and I watched Insomnia... great flick, starring Al Pacino and Robin Williams. My first time seeing it, but Al Pacino is definitely on my list of "10 Greatest Actors of All Time".

All in all, a great Valentine's Day. Haven't had a great many of those in my lifetime, so I guess this makes these past two years all the more special, eh? I really sympathize with single people... man, society looks down on single people, which is a shame I think.

Granted, there's a reason some people are single... it's because they're not ready for a relationship. For others though, I think it's just more a matter of the "right person" - either people have established such unrealistic superficial standards for a mate ("Yeah, he's gotta be 6'5, a Wharton graduate, speak 3 languages, drive a BMW, and love kittens!") or they settle for being in a relationship with somebody whom they totally should not be seeing, yet persist in being in out of fear of "being alone" ("Yeah, Shaniqua annoys the hell out of me... bosses me around and stuff.... but daaaaaamn, her body's BANGIN'!!!").

Yeah, being single is tough. I'd write more, but I'm hungry... time to scrounge up food. Keep your heads up, single people... if you're really a "quality person", then your day is coming.

Guaranteed.

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Friday, February 14, 2003
*moan*

My dog is at it again, moaning and whining like some freaky wannabe werewolf. Sure, my dog looks all nice and innocent in this picture, but I know different... =P

I played some War3 with the IIStix guys tonight and my brain needs to regenerate... oof

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Thursday, February 13, 2003
Ears ringing...

Been trying to go to sleep since 1:00, but my dog has been keeping me up... he knows my Mom isn't home, so like the loyal, stupid thing he is, he keeps moaning and howling at the door. I'm sure to anyone else it would seem cute, even endearing... but when you're trying to sleep, it's pretty damn annoying. I'm tempted to put him outside, but it's really cold out and that'd be a little too cruel.

The thought crossed my mind that I wonder if that's what my prayers sound like to the powers that be... just the whining of an insignificant dog. An annoyance. Yeah, I know it's hardly dogmatically correct... but the thought still took a brief flight of fancy across my mental landscape. Early mornings make me think strange things.

So instead of sleeping, I ended up playing Starcraft with some of the IIStix people... UD, Pezyr, Negitoro... later, Versus, SJ, and friend. Starting out was a bit rough since I haven't played in forever and all my Warcraft3 playing was causing me to do dumb things like rally my SCVs to my minerals (they don't automine) or trying to save multiple production buildings to one hotkey (you can only have 1 building per hotkey in SC). Man, I've forgotten how fun that game is... ah, the memories of late nights at Odegaard undergrad library, playing SC with a posse of Korean homies, guys who I had never met before, yet became friends with since I was there so much.... hahaha.

Carefree days, those SC college days were.

Now, there's just old age, disappointment, self-loathing, and my dog trying to howl like a wolf... but sounding like bad soprano turned overdosing crackwh0re, screaming her last falsetto note in the strange opus that is my life.

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Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Alone at last...

Well, I dropped off my mom and Josh's parents off at the airport this morning. They're off to Hong Kong for about 2 weeks, so I got about 11 days of peace and quiet... wheeee. I came back home and saw it was pretty sunny outside, so I took the bike out for a ride around the neighborhood... it hasn't changed much in all these years, just some new paint on some houses here and there. Reminded me of waaaay back when my family used to go on these family bike rides around the neighborhood... dad, mom, me, and my sister. I'm sure it'd looked super dorky, but hey... that was my family =P

After meandering around for an hour or so, my bones started to ache and I rode back home. Shaved my head 'cause I was getting fuzzy and took a shower.

Now... time to zone out.

I'm working tonight... going to be out filming youth basketball... fun...

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ACHTUNG BABY!

There's a new Terry Tate video on the Reebok site... ouch, double hits. Not as good as the first, but still pretty funny.

Speaking of funny... BUDONKADONK. Warning: Not for the easily offended by base ghetto humor.

hahaha...

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Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Borrowed from my friend Justin's blog... because if I didn't laugh, I might shed a man-tear.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went
to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon
during his visit to Greece.

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to
be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State
basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he
appeared nervous at practice, 1982.

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when
asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want
all the kids to copulate me."
-Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre
Dawson on being a role model

"I lost it in the sun!" -Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a
grounder.

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."-Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word
and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins, 1991

"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."
-Football coach Ray Malavasi

"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
-Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
-Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss
what he thought of the refs, 1986

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former
player Joe Theismann

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. -New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

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furi kuri...



Standing alone, waiting to hit something...

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Monday, February 10, 2003
Ignorance strikes again...

"We were at war. They (Japanese-Americans) were an endangered species... Some probably were intent on doing harm to us."

Can you believe a United States congressman made these remarks about the Japanese American concentration camps during WW2? (Yeah, I said "concentration camps"... "internment camps" is just a BS term Americans use to feel more comfortable with the shameful thing our government did... we don't like to think we share anything in common with Nazi Germany.)

From this article:

(02-05) 20:03 PST HIGH POINT, N.C. (AP) --

A congressman who heads a homeland security subcommittee said on a radio call-in program that he agreed with the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II.

Rep. Howard Coble, R-N.C., made the remark Tuesday on WKZL-FM when a caller suggested Arabs in the United States should be confined. Another congressman who was interned as a child criticized Coble for the comment, as did advocacy groups.

Coble, chairman of the Judiciary Subcommittee on Crime, Terrorism and Homeland Security, said he didn't agree with the caller but did agree with President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who established the internment camps.

"We were at war. They (Japanese-Americans) were an endangered species," Coble said. "For many of these Japanese-Americans, it wasn't safe for them to be on the street."

Like most Arab-Americans today, Coble said, most Japanese-Americans during World War II were not America's enemies.

Still, Coble said, Roosevelt had to consider the nation's security.

"Some probably were intent on doing harm to us," he said, "just as some of these Arab-Americans are probably intent on doing harm to us."

Rep. Mike Honda, D-Calif., a Japanese-American who spent his early childhood with his family in an internment camp during World War II, said he spoke with Coble on Wednesday to learn more about his views.

"I'm disappointed that he really doesn't understand the impact of what he said," Honda said. "With his leadership position in Congress, that kind of lack of understanding can lead people down the wrong path."

The Japanese American Citizens League asked Coble to apologize and said he should be removed from his committee chairmanship.

"We are flabbergasted that a man who supports racial profiling and ethnic scapegoating" chairs the subcommittee, the group's national executive director, John Tateishi, said in a statement Wednesday.

The Council on American-Islamic Relations demanded that Coble explain his remarks. Spokesman Ibrahim Hooper said the comments were "particularly disturbing."

In 1988, President Reagan signed a bill authorizing reparations of $20,000 for each surviving camp veteran.


I actually heard of this story several days earlier, but I neglected to post it. I encourage everybody to sign the following petition demanding his removal:

http://removecoble.yellowworld.org/

Also, you can address your angry letters to here:

The Hon. Howard Coble
U.S. House of Representatives
2468 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515-3306

Check out Angry Asian Man to keep up with the coverage.

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Countin' down the hours...

Well, tomorrow, I'm officially starting "work"... joy of joys. I have mixed feelings about it all, so I can't really say I'm overflowing with joy or sadness... just sorta... how would say... reserved? Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the chance to make some decent $$$ AND do something worthwhile... I suppose in the back of my mind, I'm already dreading the end of my contract in April. =P

But back to the present. Seems like everybody is getting job at same time, which is odd... my friend SJ, she wryly noted we're both starting work tomorrow. My friend Abe, too. And my friend Sam is starting a job doing some code monkey work for a health care group.

All of us getting employed at the same time... how odd.

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Sunday, February 09, 2003
Whipping up dinner...

Shiv drove down to see my today, so I'm making dinner... something simple... just rice, corn, and baked chicken. She asleep on the couch right now... must be a little under the weather.

Ooh... Kingpin tonight... =)

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Saturday, February 08, 2003
Never pass up a free meal... nope.

Tonight my mom's church group had their late Chinese New Year celebration... they made an insane amount of Chinese home-cooking, so I of course got to benefit from it all. Also, all the other TTIC and BASIC counselors got to eat too, so I got to share the wealth, heh.

Rare eaten treats I devoured: fried tofu, duck, fish/shrimp stir-fry, mango pudding, and hot red bean soup.

Josh started this week as a counselor too... good deal. Many hands make the work light, and with the amount of high schoolers coming each week, it's good to have more counselors available to them.

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Ah... Saturdays.

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Friday, February 07, 2003
To there and back...

Two trips to the airport in the same day, but it's all gravy. After I got back from the first trip, I came back home, took a shower, and layed down for a nap. Around 12:30-1ish Simo gave me a ring to say that his flight finally landed at SeaTac, so I crawled off the couch, threw on some sweats, and I was off.

Lucky for me, traffic wasn't too bad and airport was relatively uncrowded. Picked up Simo and his mom, then drove them to their place. Simo definitely cashed in at Hong Kong... got a bunch of DVDs and master grade Gundam models for cheap. I asked him to see if he could find a cheap region-less DVD copy of My Sassy Girl there, but no luck. I guess when my mom goes to HK next week, I'll ask her to find it.

Got to watch some of his DVD copy of Macross Zero, though... awesome stuff. Brings me back to the wonder of watching Robotech as a kid. I also borrowed another anime DVD he bought over there called FLCL... totally bizarre comedy, but I got hooked after watching a couple of episodes at his place. Good stuff.

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Stupid fog...

Well, thanks to today's thick fog, Simo's flight got re-directed to Moses Lake... MOSES LAKE. Freak, that's nutty... it's all the way on the other side of the state!

I hope Simo and his mom find a way home. I haven't heard a call from 'em yet.

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Fact 1: My homie Simo and his moms are flying back from HK today
Fact 2: I'm picking them up from SeaTac
Fact 3: They get in at 6:30... which is in 4 hours.

CRAP.

This is gonna be a short entry... keep it apropos. Today's word is apropos.

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Thursday, February 06, 2003
Musings...

Ever wonder who's reading?

While checking to see who's been visiting lately, I noticed somebody found this site searching for my father's name. It's odd to think, but even though I know my father is dead, it doesn't feel that way sometimes. He's been absent from my life for so long, sometimes it feels as if he never was really and he's just a mythic figure that lives in my memory, or comes to mind whenever I see a gun or a Bible. Maybe it's the way memory functions when you get older, that some memories become more foggy and hazy with time. These past 11 months of unemployment have added a lot to the "fog" too... when you sleep the days away, it can be a bit disorienting.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this entry after having a surreal dream. Basically the plot of the dream goes like this:

I'm at home when I suddenly meet an old man from the future with "time machine watch" (yeah, pretty hokey but this is dream logic) strapped to his wrist. It's my friend Chris, except he's like 100 years old and he tells me that my entire life so far is a mistake that he and I myself (from the future) made while messing with the time machine - an alternate reality that wasn't supposed to happen. He dies, but not before giving me the time machine and showing me how to use it. I use the watch to travel to the alternate reality and as soon as I enter it, my mind is suddenly filled with all the memories of this "timeline" - my father never passed away, I graduated UW with the same degrees, only I'm in China on a mission trip... so I go find myself in Beijing, and kill myself from this time to take his place. Yeah, you read that right... I killed my ownself. Is that murder or suicide?

I fly home from China to find a grand welcome home party - my entire family, Shiv, friends from church and school. I then live an entire week in this perfect world - I start work at a private company that does advocacy for charitable causes, I go to the shooting range with my father, I take Siobhan out to dinner at nice restaurant. Finally, I go to church on Sunday... CBC is filled with people, all the old pastors are still there, and of course, my father is still Senior Pastor. He preaches a fantastic message, and afterwards, I'm walking down an empty hallway when this pillar of light appears in front of me. It's an angel that tells me that I'm not supposed to be in this world... that I don't belong to this reality. I scream, I beg and plead to stay... but *poof*...

...I wake up in my bed. Back to the "real world". Talk about having a dream that's a rehash of bad 80's movies and TV sitcoms.

They say dreams are sometimes the echoes of your deepest longings. Given a choice between a reality filled with disappointment and pain, and a reality filled with everything you ever wanted and loved, wouldn't you choose the latter instead of the former, no matter how fanciful it was? Human lives dangle upon strange threads, woven into a design nobody can forsee, only know in hindsight. But living through something hardly means you appreciate how it shaped your identity as a person - sometimes you despise it. Hence the strong reaction that produced this entry.

Maybe if I understood more why and what everything has been for, I'd feel better about the life I've lived so far - but I know I could scream to God and high heaven for days on end, and he still wouldn't answer me, at least not in the way I want. God does not conform to merely to justify my selfish desire for an audible explanation of my life, an indepth, play-by-play analysis of why everything went down the way it has.

Instead, the reality is that only when it's all said and done, at the end of day, when my breathless body is lying 6 feet under in the dirt, will it all make sense. In all likelihood, I'll have to wait until then to understand, because it's not my place to know why now. Reality dictates that I should put AND shut up... but I don't have to like it.

Tangents.

In any case, my father... I think he's probably my fatal flaw. I was watching Kingpin on Tuesday, and in one part, they were talking about "everyone has a weakness". In the plot of that episode, they're trying to trap this corrupt Mexican colonel into an ambush. They know he has weakness for women, so they send this beautiful girl to seduce him and get him alone in a car - where she electrocutes him with a taser and drives him off to a warehouse to be tortured by the drug cartel, "La Corporaci�n". In my case, it'd be a lookalike of my dad or some guy claiming to have information about "the truth about your father" that'd lure me to some deserted alley and *bam*... Garrett gets wacked.

OK, now I know I should be going to sleep... I'm imagining ways people are going to kill me. One other thing... my past has a picture. Very bottom, lefthand corner. Last row, far left.

It's approaching March again... not a month filled with good memories.

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Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Crack-crack-crack...

Where there is War-crack, I am distracted.

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s o r e (again)...

I guess you know you're getting old when you don't bounce back quite as fast as you used to after doing some strenous exercise. My sensei is continuing with the his 300 shomenuchi (basic cuts to the head) program for WARMUP, which means everybody gets worked hard before practice even begins. I thought we might be doing shiai geiko (tournament practice) since there's a tournament coming up, but we just did the usual waza (technique) and ji geiko (free sparring). I guess with about 40+ people in the class, it's hard to do shiai geiko... only the people in armor would be able to participate and the beginners would have to watch.

On a random note, ever notice how an ever increasing majority of human drama comes from romantic relationships/ romantic intentions? It's ridiculous, I think people today have been so infected by cliche TV and movies that they unconsciously like to mimic the most petty things. Has humanity run out of better problems to worry about? Either it's some apocalyptic fall-out from a relationship that ended badly, or its some sick bastard stalking after this poor girl who won't give him the time of day... sheesh!

I'd say, "Save me the drama and just keep it real", but hell... even that's cliche now.

I think I'll resign myself to pointing my finger and laughing... ha ha ha

Oh, and I'm still watching Kingpin. Down with romantic sit-coms.

It's much more interesting to root for the "bad guy".

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Tuesday, February 04, 2003
Off to kendo... I feel particularly fat and slow tonight. Hopefully that won't translate into a beatdown during sparring...

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Jobby-Job...

Well, I'm employed as a temporary contract worker... I get paid until April. Wh00t.

It'll be nice to pay some bills...

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Monday, February 03, 2003
Oof.

Pretty full... family went out to eat tonight in celebration of my little sister's birthday. I should go to bed early... gotta actual job interview tomorrow, so I don't wanna screw that up.

In other random news, one of my favorite columnists, Jerry Large, wrote a interesting piece as a sort of retrospective commentary on the whole Shaq racism/Yao Ming incident. He makes some good points, primarily that often people of color fail to defend each other against racism. Asian Americans spend all their energy on incidents of anti-Asian racism, African Americans spend all their energy on incidents of anti-black racism, etc.

I guess my thought would be that there hasn't been much reciprocation - many Asian Americans, especially Korean Americans, can readily recall how at one time, many African American leaders openly accused/blamed Korean store owners for the damage they had suffered during the Rodney King riots, as if Korean Americans deserved to have their stores looted and trashed by the crowds of predominantly black rioters. Asian Americans are still smarting over that one.

It's a sad but true insight - cross racial cooperation between communities is usually the exception, not the rule. The last example of such that I can recall was the response of many in the Japanese American community to lend aid/sympathy to the Arab American community after the September 11th attacks. Many Japanese Americans, victims of injustice after Pearl Harbor, sought to keep history from repeating itself on Arab Americans. Very few newspapers ran stories about it.

Anyways... it's late. Time to stop procrastinating...

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Sunday, February 02, 2003
My lesson from last night.

***

Jesus Christ: Our Healer
Mark 5:21-34

Message Outline


Introduction

Read Mark 5:21-34

Part I. What's going on?

A. Synopsis of the woman's story
B. Historical Notes
C. How was she healed?
1. Jesus healed her PHYSICALLY
2. Jesus healed her SOCIALLY
3. Jesus healed her SPIRITUALLY

Part II. So What?

A. Jesus Christ's primary purpose in coming to this world was to be a HEALER
B. When people are hurting, they often seek HUMAN SOLUTIONS to their problems
C. Only when we are SPIRITUALLY HEALED by Jesus, will we truly be cured
D. Jesus doesn't make us follow him;
therefore, we must COME TO HIM and TRUST IN HIM to be healed.
E. As followers of Christ, we are also called to HEAL those around us


Introduction: Group Exercise

-Share an experience where you've very sick before or you've been injured badly.

Read Mark 5:21-34: Sick Woman

What's Going On?

The woman in the story is seriously sick, though we're not sure with what. According to Jewish customs, a person with a disease was an outcast from society - an undesirable. As a contemporary example, imagine if the government had a law that if you became sick with HIV or cancer, you had to live in building outside of the city, away from your friends and family. Outcasted, you would have to rely on whatever food and money you can beg off people because nobody will talk with you, let alone give you a job. Instead of people trying to care for you, they want to get rid of you... that's what it was like to be sick during Jesus' time.

Jewish laws in the Old Testament had provisions for being sick with disesases like leprosy and the woman's condition. Both in the eyes of cultural customs and the law, good physical health was equivalent/symbolic to moral and spiritual purity - being a good person. Therefore, to be sick with a serious disease was the same as being a bad person, or evil. People would wrongfully assume that because you were sick, you had done something seriously bad to deserve it.

Obviously, the woman wanted to get better. She didn't want to be a social outcast. She spent everything she had on human solutions to her problem, and finally, without any hope, she heard about this guy named Jesus (v. 25-26). In events preceding this chapter, Jesus had already healed many different people and this was public knowledge - even today, people who don't know anything about Jesus or the Bible know that Jesus was a great Teacher and a Healer. By this time in his life, Jesus was starting to become a local celebrity thru his healings.

The woman was desperate for help, so she went to see him in person - she had spent everything she had on doctors trying to get better, but none of it helped. So she goes to see Jesus in person - but imagine going to see the one person who might be able to help you, and he's mobbed by a crowd of people. And not only that, an important man has asked Jesus to help him, so Jesus was on his way to heal someone else - how could she ever hope to get an audience with Jesus over Jairus, the synagogue leader?

Then she has an idea - since Jesus is this prophet, this holy man of God, maybe all she needs to do is touch his clothes and be healed. So she reached out to him and touched his cloak - and was instantly healed. To think that the person of Jesus was so holy, so perfect - that just a touch healed her from her disease! (v.27-29)

Now Jesus wasn't any fool - he knew exactly that the woman had touched him. Being God, Jesus had to be aware that this woman, sick and desperate for help, had reached out and touched him. So why did he say, "Who touched my garments?" (v.30)

Jesus desired to heal the woman more than physically - he wanted to heal her socially as well. By vocally announcing that someone had touched him, he gave the woman a chance to publicly tell her story. The crowd, by witnessing this miracle, would restore her to her place in society. If the woman had told her story, without the aid of Jesus' presence, it's doubtful people would have believed she had been healed.

But even more important than her physical and social restoration, was her spiritual restoration. Why did Jesus say, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your affliction."? (v.34) Jesus wanted to affirm her in a visible, public manner - again, not only to restore her socially, but to restore her in a spiritual way by saying, "Yes, because you believed and trusted in me, you've been healed." This was the most important of the three healings, because when you think about it - it was the one that really lasted.

So how does this apply to us?

Jesus was on his way to help an important person - but he didn't hesitate to stop to help the woman. In the same way, God is concerned with EVERY single person on Earth, no matter their place in society - man or woman, rich or poor, church leader or bum on the street. God came to our world as Jesus Christ because He cares - the primary purpose of Jesus Christ was to be a healer and work the greatest miracle of all - healing the separation between God and humanity. (famous verse John 3:16)

The woman in the story was sick, hurting - she needed a miracle. In the same way, when we are hurt emotionally/spiritually, we often first seek human solutions for our problems - but human solutions for the emotional and spiritual problems are often temporary or fail.

Maybe we do bad in school or academics, I seek to lose ourselves in playing sports to compensate. Or we're unpopular and don't have a lot of friends, so we're constantly online, playing video games, or going into chat rooms. Or maybe we have broken relationships with our parents, our family, and we get drunk at weekend parties to just so we don't have to think about how much it hurts. Human solutions to human hurts - we seek solace in doctors, books, TV, music, and movies - but nothing really lasts. Which is not to say human solutions don't have a purpose - there's nothing wrong with basketball, the internet, etc... the problem is that they fail to address the core problem that humanity is dealing with.

Everybody is sick or hurt in some way. We have many different sicknesses that comes from a one sickness that we've had since we were young - we were born broken and wounded, not in a physical sense, but a spiritual sense. We were born apart from God, separated by sin and our own imperfections. And like the woman, we will have to recognize at some point, when we have exhausted every alternative, that the only person who can cure us is Jesus Christ.

If we believe and trust in Jesus, he can heal us just like he healed the woman - we can be restored to having a relationship with our Creator, God the Father. But like the woman in the story, we must make it a priority to seek out God and Jesus Christ. God doesn't force us to believe Him - we have to choose to come to him and trust him. People have been gifted by God with free will; but part of the responsibility of having the ability to choose, is that we must make the right choice - we have to choose to let God into our lives

Another final note, is that for those of us who are Christians are called to be just like Jesus - and from this story, being like Jesus also means being a "healer" - to be somebody who seeks to "heal" those around us - our parents, our family, our friends, people at school, people at work. This week, you should think about somebody you know that you have the opportunity to restore and heal. Pray that God can help you be somebody who repairs the world around them.

Hurting people is easy - healing them is difficult. But God calls us to do the difficult thing because not only is it the thing that Jesus did - it's the right thing to do.

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Been a long day...

Well, tonight's fellowship meeting went by fine. A lot of kids were absent, on account that probably most of the families were out enjoying their Saturday night by celebrating Chinese New Year. We still had about 20 kids, though... the thing I found funny was for once, there were actually slightly more girls than there were guys. Most of the time, it's about 75% of the kids who are guys at BASIC right now.

My lesson went fine... I think I sounded pretty nervous my first 5 or so minutes talking, but after that, it was a little bit easier. The lesson was shorter than I expected, but then again, I should have remembered that I have a tendency to speak a lot faster than normal when I'm up in front of a group. But I guess I'd prefer my message to be too short than too long... the kids are in high school, but they're still kids... and kids have short attention spans, haha. I wouldn't want the poor kids to have sit through 30 or 45 minutes of my chatter.

Future note for Powerpoint presentations: make to use a common font... the font I picked wasn't on the laptop I borrowed to do my presentation, so I had to do some last minute fixes to my slides.

Post-BASIC, I drove one of the kids home and a little driving adventure. He lives on Queen Anne hill, so I had to take the Mercer Street exit, through the Seattle Center area. Getting off the exit, a hatchback from the lane to my right suddenly swerved over and cut me off. I braked hard and narrowly avoided rear ending the stupid bastard... my car was at a dead stop for probably no more than 5 seconds, when I heard screeching brakes and then a *THUMP* - yep, I got rear ended. Great, I thought... my first time driving this poor kid home and his high school fellowship counselor gets in an accident.

I turned off the engine and slowly got out of the car to inspect the damage. At the same time, the driver of the SUV that rear-ended me got out too - young girl (probably high school or college age) who looked pretty scared. I asked her if she was OK and she said she was. The damage actually was extremely light - just a dent in my rear bumper, some scraping of paint. I'm sure the girl was nervous, because under Washington state traffic law, the driver in the following car of a rear-end collision is almost always held liable for all damage. Since the damage to my car was pretty light (and it's a ghetto beater ride anyways), I told the girl we were cool and we didn't have to report the accident to her insurance. She looked relieved; I was thankful that the accident wasn't worst, praise God.

Meanwhile, the idiot who had cut across my lane (another teenbopper girl, I got a good look) was still in front of me, trying to merge over to the left. She's lucky I'm not a different person, or I would had some choice words for her lack of driving skills while taking a crowbar to her rear-windshield. Grrr.

The rest of the ride was without incident. Again, I'm grateful to God that nothing happened, especially to my passenger. I always feel more conscious when other people are with me in the car, especially kids.

Hopefully tomorrow is incident-free.

***



I think kids like me who remember what happened to the Challenger, are moved by the recent Columbia tragedy. For myself, there's a strong sympathy for the astronauts and their families, maybe because I vividly remember that what I wanted as a kid to grow to be was an astronaut. That dream was profoundedly affected by what happened to the Challenger shuttle; I guess you could say it was my first serious childhood confrontation with the idea of dying and the reality of being dead...

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Saturday, February 01, 2003
Crazy day...

Columbia was lost somewhere during re-entry this morning... debris is scattered all over Texas. Condolences to all the families.

Read an article on CNN here.

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poised between once and will be
i stand like a statute, straddling this intersection
where old memories let out quiet gasps
the ancient air from which future dreams emerge

hope itself is always in the present
a faint glimmer underneath a haze of present circumstances
the sparkle so small that eyes must strain to catch it
lest it become lost to my dim sight

but that light so small and fragile
a haunting that fuels the strings of sleepless nights
where a wandering mind yearns to find it
that passion, that purpose just beyond finding

the signpost to point the way to move forward

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Salty...

Just got back home from going out with the crew - my friend Angel is visiting from the Bay Area, so I and some of other folks took her out. The plan was to take her to our favorite late night happy hour spot, McCormick's at Harborside, but the place was packed (duh, it's Friday). I'm not much of a bar person, but I like the place... so it was a bit of a letdown not being able to eat and drink there. Instead, we went to Jillian's, which is aight... a bit too loud of an atmosphere for the mood I was in. The constant roar of big screen TVs, trance-ish club music, billiards, and video games is a bit different from McCormick's, but oh well. We sat in the TV lounge area eating appetizers and drinking... man, them appetizers were super-salty. Shameless and obvious ploy by the establishment to get us to order more drinks...

Hrmm, I'm giving my lesson today. I really suck at public speaking, so I hope the kids will be able to take at least something away from my message. Good thing I'm making some handy Powerpoint slides - if they can't hear what I'm saying, they can read it off my slides, haha. Funny, it was the first time I've touched Powerpoint since I graduated from school around this time last year. I saw and did enough Powerpoint presentations to last a lifetime in the business school at the UW. Sheesh.

I suppose I should turn in early... should go through and practice my talk a couple of times in the morning in the living room, just like I remember my father doing on those Sunday mornings long before he would give a sermon long ago...

BTW, Happy Chinese New Year... get to passing them red envelopes.

It's good to recieve... but I guess now that I'm getting older, I'm starting to feel guilty that I've been unable to follow custom by giving $$$ to those younger than me, for lack of scrilla myself. Sigh. I guess when I start working a "real" job, I'll be able to fulfill that obligation...

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in?scrip?tion (n-skrip-shun)n.
1. The act or an instance of inscribing.
2. Something, such as the wording on a coin, medal, monument, or seal, that is inscribed.
3. A short, signed message in a book or on a photograph given as a gift.
4. The usually informal dedication of an artistic work.
5. Jeremiah 31:33

the facts.
name. Gar AKA "that Chinese guy" "Sleepy.McSleeping"
ethnicity/nationality. Chinese/American, 4th gen.
location. Sea-Town, WA, USA Kawanishi, JAPAN
occupation. less-cynical poor grad student
age. younger than you think, older than you know

 



 

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(myname) @ gmail.com

 

 

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