Saturday, February 11, 2006
introspective on loneliness
Late night rambling.
A couple of weeks ago, I was reading those words as they were written by maloy (master burger theorist) and they've been marinating in the back of my head for awhile now, soaking up my thought processes. They probably would have been stuck there, if not for all the misfortunes of Friday that let them loose. It was only then, as I was riding home in a carpool, that the truth of about my life right now came to me - that I really am alone, but maybe in a different sense of the word than most people think.
Sure, there's plenty of people around me everday - they call me by my first name, I sit next to them in class, I'll commute to school with them, I eat lunch or dinner with them, I'll watch movies/TV with them, or go to church with them. But of course, just because they know about me, doesn't necessarily mean they know me.
Maybe I'm one of those people who's destined to be alone for most of their life. Still, no matter how callous I think I've become, I can't deny that on some sort of basic level of my humanity, there's a yearning for someone who can understand me. Implicit in that is the notion that "if someone really understands me, they'll appreciate me too".
Of course, the drawback to this kind of thinking is that you begin to believe the opposite too - "if no one understands me, no one really appreciates what's it like to be me".
Song of the Moment: Al Green - "I'm So Tired of Being Alone"
Being alone used to not bother me. As a kid, I was alone a lot, especially after my father passed away... one of the many realities of growing up in a single parent household. You just learn to deal with it, to be stoic. You'd think the older you grow, the more thicker your skin would become. In some ways it's true, but I guess the effect of time is that even if it isn't picking apart your outward persona, there 's hidden sections of your heart that can get worn away.
Sometimes seeing how happy some other people are when they're together has an effect of making you question the contentment of being alone.
Or maybe being alone nowadays is more difficult to bear because I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking of my own mistakes and shortcomings. Part of me is still processing that it's 2006, and looking back over the past few years, I can't help but wince at all the times I've failed my family, my friends, my community, and yes, even myself. It's a cliche, but thinking about past failures makes me afraid of any future f!$k-ups. Funny how much changes in even compared to one year ago... I was quite optimistic in comparison to then.
Maybe it's time to discard that secret New Year's resolution to drink less. Nobody lives a perfect life, and everyone has to come to terms with certain mistakes they've made in their life, but I suppose my attitude these past few weeks is that I have maybe too many faults to come to terms with. Does that deserve sympathy and understanding?
Perhaps, but I don't want it.
Sing it, Reverend.
I know you, you just don't know it, and though you don't know it, I know you no less. There is a difference between knowing what you believe and believing what you know. It's like they say, you tend to perceive what you want, regardless of what you see and know to be real. And it doesn't take much to make clouded perception real, since your reaction to perception ushers it into cyclic reality.Post a Comment