interview 101 for wannabe teachers

Today my school's department held a special 6 hour career workshop for all the grad students in the MIT program - both my Fall cohort (~50 students) and the '05 Spring cohort (~50 students). Out of those 100 students, I'm only 1 of 4 male students of color, though men as a whole only make up about third of the whole combined group. =/

Anyways, most school districts here in the Seattle area start their hiring process in the early spring, so this is supposed to be one of many workshops that will prep us grad students for the job hunting through various complex school processes. For the most part, it was pretty informative and there was a lot of emphasis on "interview techniques", some of which I thought were common sense for most sensible people - arrive early, dress formally & conservatively, cover up any tatts/piercing, go easy on the cologne/perfume, etc. - but I guess there's a lot of crazy hippies showing up to interviews in polyester shirts, with guitar and spliff in hand who wanna be teachers.

The best part of the day was watching a board of real principals and admin people from various school districts grill pre-selected volunteers in a "mock interview". I wasn't selected (nor did I want to be selected), but it was a good demonstration of what sort of questions to expect. Looking over the questions, I think most would be pretty easy to answer even if you didn't know them beforehand, assuming that as a candidate, you were serious as a teacher and had some experience.

But imagine if somebody *ahem* less qualified or ignoble tried interviewing for a teaching position...


.:.



SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
Thank you for coming in today, Mr... ummm, excuse me if I mispronounce this... "Mack-Cracker-Heed"?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
Mick-CRACK-Head... it's French.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
Well, Mr. McCrackhead, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about your background and education. What experiences have led you to a career in teaching?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
Well, I haven't always wanted to be a teacher. I attended community college for half a year studying pottery, until the department kicked me out for only fashioning lumpy ashtrays, lopsided coasters, and large bongs. I then started in a career in government service, delivering confidential correspondence to the abodes of private citizens.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
You mean delivering the mail?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
Yeah. Anyways, I quit that last week after seeing that Barney show on TV while under the influence, naw mean? I realized, "Hey, if a big purple dinosaur can teach kids, I can too!"

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
I guess it's... umm, admirable... that you take an interest in children's programming. Well, can you describe your approach to classroom discipline? What sort of style of classroom management do feel is the most effective?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
I have my own personal style of discipline that I call "PIMP DISCIPLINE", where I cuss a lot and instill fear in my students. I like to scream things like, "LINE UP OR IMMA CUT YOUR FACE", or "POP QUIZ, BEEYOTCHES!"... you know.

I also feel random beatings with lots of slapping are important too. At least 2-3 a day, minimum. More if I'm high.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
...riiight. Well, in terms of curriculum, how would you differentiate your instruction to teach your students? How would you structure your teaching to match research on multiple intelligences and learning styles?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
The only learning styles I believe that all students possess is "dumb ass" or "dumber ass". If they can't learn anything from me talking, I'll just send them out into the hall to practice writing their name or something.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
I think we should move on... what about your philosophy on diversity? How will you incorporate different perspectives, ethnicities, and cultures in your curriculum?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
I love all children, both the normal kids and the black kids. I figure on Martin Luther King Jr. day we can watch "Roots" and talk about how important it is for black kids to study really hard, because they're not as smart as the other students and stuff. Damn, the Mexican kids can't even speak English and they still do better!

Oh yeah, I think it's also OK to let the Chinaman kiddies eat whatever weird stuff they want for lunch, like dog. Maybe they can bring fortune cookies on China day, whenever that is.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
!!!

Mr. McCrackhead, I'm speechless. Do you honestly believe that you're qualified to be a teacher?

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
Yeah man, of course! I'm totally ready.

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
You may think so, but I've yet to hear a single satisfactory response that would let me to begin to even remotely consider the thought of allowing you within 25 feet of any children, let alone teach them.

MARTY MCCRACKHEAD
What if I told you I have "Mona Lisa Smile" in my Netflicks queue?

SCHOOL DISTRICT INTERVIEWER
...

GTFO.

posted by G at 7:52 PM   |

in?scrip?tion (n-skrip-shun)n.
1. The act or an instance of inscribing.
2. Something, such as the wording on a coin, medal, monument, or seal, that is inscribed.
3. A short, signed message in a book or on a photograph given as a gift.
4. The usually informal dedication of an artistic work.
5. Jeremiah 31:33