Thursday, September 01, 2005
this is my world

night blows, stoves don't work, hoes at work
A warrior, so I wear 'em on my shirt
wish I was free as Che was, I spend a day buzzed
trippin on heights, wishin' for nights in different flavors
The age of Kane and Big Daddy, shown by the caddies
Uncles named Larry, that never really grabbed me
My mother gave birth but she really never had me
Left to the hood to play daddy
Raised by n*ggaz named Butch through the bay bay
With waists, so they weigh they status on the streets
License plates that say they motto this is Chicago in the hay day
Similiar to 'Good Times', I guess that I was Jay-Jay
A skinny n*gga, young girls with penny figures
So many n*ggaz, stacked upon each other
It's the black upon each other that we love so much
Wonder how many of us, these drugs gonna touch
used to gangbang, ain't really thug that much
Rather have some thick broads then the dutch to clutch
Went to school in Baton Rouge for a couple of years
My college career got downed with a couple of beers
Came back home, now I gotta pay back loans
Same n*gga, same block, same sh*t they own
Only thing different, quicker, they click that chrome
In my defense, yo I had to hit that zone
Man to man, I'm good workin with my hands
My generation never understood workin for The Man
And, of bein broke I ain't a fan
Now I stand in the same spot, as my old man
My life, I planned not to be on this corner
I still wanna see California
But this is my world

-Common, "It's Your World" (f. Bilal & Pops)

Check out a taste of it here(right click + save as).

It's hard to pick favorites in an album that's as instantly classic as Common's Be, but lately this verse has been speaking to me a lot. For those you who having a hard time deciphering what he's talking about, the verse is a sort of a semi-autobiographical sketch of his life, growing up in Chicago, maturing, and then coming back to the city. My love for the verse isn't so much in the exact details of the circumstances, as it in the emotions of those circumstances - the feelings of growing up with a single parent and not being raised by your father; going to college but coming back with nothing to show for it; the sadness that comes with having an idealistic dream but still being stuck in the same circumstances of not having the money or means to do what you want... Common captures it beautifully.

my life, I planned not to be on this corner

I relate a lot to all those themes.

As often as I try to use this blog to reflect on my life, it seems lately that I can't help but constantly think about the problems in my life. I don't believe I do it out of a sense of extreme selfishness, because like a friend has written, I'm very much aware of the nature of my problems in relation to the personal lives of people caught in current events like the disaster from Katrina, but I take little comfort in knowing that other people are suffering.

The past week has been exhausting as it has been educational, and sometimes think that it was only the enthusiasm of my great classmates and talented professors that got me through each long day. Still, the same problems remain - I'm commuting over an hour everyday because I can't find a place to live near school; I'm still broke and not exactly sure how I can pay for tuition, books, etc and I have to ask for money; the car's still busted because neither my mom or myself can take it into the shop during our schedules; my mom still has an appointment to see another specialist while the stupid IRS is hounding our family for back taxes because of an over-reporting mistake made by a financial planning company my mom is invested in; I don't get enough sleep by virtue of schedule and adjusting to waking up at 7AM everyday to shower, eat, and commuting.

I want to believe that things are happening for reason. I'm straining my eyes to see God and His provision for my life and my family. I'm not looking for a handout.

I'm always praying things will get better, but honestly, I've never been the most optimistic person about having the miraculous changes in my circumstances that I sometimes daydream about. I learned that lesson when I was 10 and it repeated again these past 3 years...

...but this is my world.


a professor of mine at regent used to say that nothing in the past is wasted- particularly the painful past. you can give it up, or it can rule you. when we look for god around us, i think we see what we want to see... and situational fluctuations alone are always going to be a trap. i was also told that hope is not something we hold onto or lose- hope is personal- and it holds onto us.
david - thanks, man. "hope is personal- and it holds onto us." that gives me something to think about.
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in?scrip?tion (n-skrip-shun)n.
1. The act or an instance of inscribing.
2. Something, such as the wording on a coin, medal, monument, or seal, that is inscribed.
3. A short, signed message in a book or on a photograph given as a gift.
4. The usually informal dedication of an artistic work.
5. Jeremiah 31:33

the facts.
name. Gar AKA "that Chinese guy" "Sleepy.McSleeping"
ethnicity/nationality. Chinese/American, 4th gen.
location. Sea-Town, WA, USA Kawanishi, JAPAN
occupation. less-cynical poor grad student
age. younger than you think, older than you know



UnseenGC @ AIM
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