Sunday, July 24, 2005
(Gar + zefrank)
It's like being bumped into and losing the ice cream you bought with your last dollar. Honestly, that's what it feels like a lot in my life. The past 3-4 years or so.
No matter how hard I work at something, no matter how much I believe in something, no matter how sincerely I devote myself to something, there's always a loss to be taken. The feeling of being disappointed sucks the most when you know you've tried as hard as you possibly can and still come up short.
School. Career. Church. Personal goals. Relationships. God.
I think it happens so much that I'm no longer bothered by it as much as used to be. Maybe I've finally come to the full acceptance of the fact that the face of heaven smiles upon some, while others are left languish in the shadows. As a member of the latter group, there comes a certain resignation. It hollows you out and dampens your passion. It's the mechinization of the human being from spiritual creature who enjoys life to just creature who eats, drinks, sleeps... and drinks some more.
The effect of all this is probably starting to show too much in me. Some people are noticing. I've being receiving some letters lately, the most recent one being a nice one from my uncle. It was a thoughtful letter, but at the same time, I couldn't help but think it reminded me of many of the same letters and cards I received the year that my father died, the gist of many of which were, "Sorry that things suck now, but don't worry, they'll be much better in the future."
Somewhere, the cosmos is laughing hysterically that over 16 years later, I'm still receiving the same mail.
When I got baptized my senior high school, I was sure life would be different. I spent my entire college career trusting that God would make so. My faith at the time made being optimistic seem viable and reasonable. Then came my last year in college. Three deaths in the family in less than 3 months. Then over 2 years praying and looking for work while taking odd jobs and trying to be patient. Then came a year and half in Japan, and I thought I rounded another corner... only to return home to being jobless again, and my savings from my year in Japan devoured by a car and more bills. I got into grad school and hoped that finally things would turn around. Instead, nothing has changed. Just weeks away and I have a crapload of work to do, tuition to raise, finding a place to live, and my sanity in the meantime.
I'm tired of trying to look forward to the future. I'd like for once in my life to be able to soberly enjoy now. But instead, I'm just waiting for the next disappointment. The next letdown. The next disaster. Because that's all I'm familiar with, because my choices always lead to that. It could be fate, destiny.
And yet, I'm still the one that always feels like a dumbass, the fool staring at his dreams, as they melt on the sidewalk under a blistering sun. Maybe it's finally time to just move on and leave it all behind.
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