Saturday, March 12, 2005
Thanks to everybody who contributed via e-mail. Props.
I've been reflecting a lot on time lately... it's strange to think how much I think about it even though I'm only 26 years old. But March and the annual Easter season always makes me think about time.
When I was a kid, I can remember never really caring about time. Everything was in the moment. I'd spend hours playing with my LEGOs or Atari... later Nintendo. When my sister and I used to spend summers at the church while my father worked, I'd spend hours drawing these elaborate pictures of hulking robots, modeled after animals or dinosaurs, bristling with gun emplacements, radars, and sheathed in weird camoflage color schemes that I'd scribble with my crayons - a robo-dinosaur with yellow and red stripes sticks out in my mind. When my mother and her friends would drag me along shopping, I'd bury my head in a book and time would disappear.
After my father died, and all those years I hated being in junior high and high school, I can remember how much I wanted time to pass by faster. I couldn't wait to grow up and to become an adult... anything to distance me from those dull feelings of loss and emptiness. In my mind, it was almost if I imagined that time itself would make me a different person, somebody completely removed from who I was.
I know all too well now that it was a foolish thing to think.
In these past few years, now I can only imagine the "what ifs" if I could undo every mis-step, mistake, and regret. I no longer desire time to pass by quickly... the whimsical thoughts that play in my mind scheme about turning it back.
Time may help some people ease their pain or forget. For other people, they carry time with them as much as time carries them. Every person is an ever-present collection of time passed... our characters, our very humanity seem bound to time. We spend it, we pass it, we waste it, or take it. We say we make it or give it, but nobody can truly manufacture it, create it, or get it back.
Even now, I can already feel the longing that comes when one regrets that time was squandered. With 20/20 vision, the urge to stare backward comes as naturally to me as breathing. It wants to fixate my gaze on time gone by until my eyes roll back into my head... but I shouldn't.
However, to neglect the time passing now would be to forget my hopes for a time yet to come. And part of me still believes that that future will draw near... but only in a time that will come on its own.
Very well written my friend...Post a Comment
I have always wondered how much sooner I would have graduated college if I didn't spend half of it playing ping pong. Of course I had convinced myself at the time that it was a normal thing to be on the decade plan for graduation.
For me time is best experienced not examined and is best served chilled with fried liver. When it comes down to it we only really have the moment. Thinking about the past, worrying about the future merely erode away at these few precious moments.
When I straddle today with one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow I piss on the present.
Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.