Saturday, February 28, 2004
now i'm just scratchin the surface, cause what's buried under there/
was a kid torn apart once his pop disappeared/
i went to school, got good grades, could behave when i wanted/
But i had demons deep inside that would rise when confronted/
now all the teachers couldn't reach me/
and my momma couldn't beat me/
hard enough to match the pain of my pop not seeing me/
so with that disdain in my membrane
Got on my pimp game/
f*ck the world, my defense came
-Jay-Z "December 4th (remix)"
I'm not the biggest Jay-Z fan, but I like the lyrics... been listening a lot to this song, which you can download courtesy of mr akito. March is the month of my father's passing, so I find I think a lot about him during this time... almost as much as during Christmas.
But i had demons deep inside... Yeah, I got alot of demons deep inside.
I'm hoping to visit his grave when I'm back State-side and unofficially, I'm hoping to return around the end of March to Seattle for Ryan and Siska's wedding, but... I have to wait for my holiday request to be cleared at work before I go buying plane tickets... cross your fingers.
I ventured out today with the full intention of going to church, something I haven't been able to do in a long, long time because of the fact I didn't have Sundays off until now.
I don't know many churches here in Kobe, so made my way to one of the ones I first went to when I first came here in Japan way back in September. As I got near the church though, I felt something rather odd... I can't explain it really other than to say that it was the feeling I get that I can't really describe other than (displacement).
Maybe it was partly because walking near this church, made me little homesick for my church back home - of course not the building, but the family and people that are CBC. I don't really know what to make of things as they are now, but I suppose it's that I miss not going to a place where everybody knows my name...
The funny thing about church attendance is that while a strong person of faith will without a doubt regularly attend a church, the reverse is not true - a person who regularly attends church is not always a person of very strong faith. So where does a PK like me (born & raised under a sanctuary) who now finds it difficult to set foot inside a strange and random Christian churches, fit in? Hard to say.
I ended up just standing out the church and listening to them sing for awhile, before bouncing to the internet cafe, where I caught a sermon through Mars Hill. The wonder of technology.
After listening to the sermon, I took a test I found on James' blog. The result leaves me feeling somewhat emasculated and maybe even... insulted? Ugh, am I really the BND?
The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)
Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.
We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.
On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.
More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.
ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph
CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach
Somebody kill me now... I demand a re-count.
I'm starting to become one of those people I hate, the kind that only updates their blog at irregular intervals and never writes anything interesting. Bah, I really need broadband internet at home, but something about those J-girls with their plastic smiles and red bags... scary.
Ever have the feeling that you are the architect of your own unhappiness? It's not that hard, really... in fact, just making no effort to do anything at all is good enough...
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