Thursday, January 08, 2004
-excerpt from 'Fiesta' (The Sun Also Rises) by Ernest Hemingway .:. Been reading some Hemingway lately... both to keep my English level up (because there's a lot of bad English here in Japan) and to inspire me to write more. Even if I return home someday with only a fistful of dollars, I at least want to have a short book or novel written by then too. Writing down anything in English has been quite therapeutic... lately, I've been having a re-occurring dream and I'm not sure what to make of it. Normally, I discount dreams as being rather useless, but given the fact that it is Biblical truth that God has used dreams to communicate to people before... makes me think twice before randomly dismissing it. It's pretty complex and I don't feel like writing down the entire dream sequence at the moment. All I'll say is that this is the key element in the dream: A fishtank full of fish... dead fish. I think the dream is making me moody, but I don't think my friends here in Japan know that. Call me half-stoic, half-introverted... I leave it up to people to find how I'm really feeling. Sometimes, things like that are often (invisible). 'the otherside of 25' lines of pain I pen, I write with regard to the frequency which my heart and my soul are scarred scratched far beneath the surface, it seems never safe whatever land or place I travel, unhappiness always gives chase a fatherless son since 11, friends never understood their families were stable, surrounded by folks that were good though mom worked hard to raise the necessary funds I dreamed of old days, when Dad took me to the range to shoot guns because in those memories I felt a father's care his constant presence was love and my worth never unclear but in a one parent house, what could I expect? only son on his own, unintentional child of neglect my mind struggles to grasp what was the divine plan a mother can raise a child, but can't teach a boy to be a man. now I'm 25, and people say I'm fully grown but have I really changed, beyond the superficial zone? bigger, taller, of course, went to school for a bit got some pieces to a puzzle but none of them fit look past the coat, the tie, and the suit gaze into my eyes and see the entire empty truth the grind of one life turns a small wheel I'm sadder, not wiser, weary of the weight that I feel the reservoir of my soul seems so often spent my search for what's missing, a seemingly futile attempt I admit, my wounds are easy to pass by concealed to normal vision, visible only to the 3rd eye people shake their heads, they don't see the stress "Garrett's so sullen and strange, why is he always depressed? He doesn't have cancer, isn't even deaf or blind He walks on two legs, God gave him an un-handicapped mind He needs to grow up, shutup and live life He should buy a car, a home, get a good job and a wife." I hear their words, but I never respond my feelings are an ocean's depth to their shallow duck pond the answer I give is a cold gaze submerged the ice in my veins, a cacophonous funeral dirge one whole life's discord giving my thoughts wing look in my eyes, and these are the words that they sing. "Don't judge my pain, until you taste death when it stinks in your mouth and chokes out your breath making you gag, gasp, stutter and stammer the heartache of 'why?' pounding your soul like a hammer your childhood ripped away rough by cruel fact untimely passings holding dreams down to be hacked no fount of wisdom, or mentors to guide clouds of doubt to rain on you as you shiver outside hollowness of silence your only redress clumsy errands for closure tripping your steps winds of circumstance stinging exposed eyes the loneliness of your experience bleeding you dry solitude wracking you broken at the seams some nights sleepless because you fear to dream and when you finally long just for a way to be free then you'd tasted a sip of the cup handed over me." hold back your platitudes, proverbs, and quips my seas of despair still rage, unbound as years slip so I clutch broken pieces, my father's God I beseech hoping to heaven for some comfort as deep cries out to deep on foreign shores, wordless, sentenced without plea still quiet were the answers, soundless sighs in the breeze the man I am now, was, or if, never became 25 and still just a boy, wounded soul gaping with pain. Don't worry... I'm fine. I think. .:. A cool NY Times article on Lost&Founds in Japan that's not an exaggeration. Something I really dig about Japan: people are honest and polite like that. I dropped my wallet once while in a hurry at a train station and a nearby person picked it up, ran after me, and gave it back to me with the quickness. Back home in the States, you can bet folks would take my wallet and run the OTHER direction. |
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in?scrip?tion (n-skrip-shun)n.
the facts.
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