Tuesday, November 26, 2002
My day is starting off waaaay too early... groggy thoughts
Have you ever tried going to sleep with one of those funny kinks in your back? You keep rolling around, trying to find the right "position" that will give you relief, but you never find it? Yet you still keep rolling around, in a futile attempt to get rid of the kink?
Yeah, I've been doing that these last few hours. I gave up, got a bowl of cereal, and here I am.
Strangely, I find my life to be like that at times. There always seems to be so sort of ache or pain in it, something I can't locate or pinpoint. I flail around, turn things over in my mind trying to figure out the cause of it, but I'm never satisfied. I grit my teeth to bear it, but in quiet moments, it nags. My relief used to be looking forward to a future day when it'd more bearable, but here I am... that same dull ache in the bottom of my heart.
Considering things, I always try to convince myself it's an illusion, that I'm being irrational. There's rigid stubbornness to irrationality thoough... it's like "dream logic". Sorta like when you're dreaming and you see something completely ridiculous like a sofa flying around with wings, but you don't question it because your mind is stuck in the dream... that's "dream logic".
I need emancipation from my current state of mind. I suppose part of the frustration I have is I know that emancipation can only come from God, and yet, I'm not being granted it. Sure, I can play War-crack until my eyes fall out and I can drink myself into a stupor, but those are just temporary balms to my wound. Keeping busy isn't helping as much as it used to... volunteer work, reading, kendo, personal projects... things are starting to feel stale. My daily prayers feel ridiculous, almost comical.
My church is having a youth retreat coming up and counseling. Several of my high school kids have just recently become Christians by making a personal confession of faith and this will be a chance to talk them and find out where they're at. I'm a bit fearful though... I don't want my current disillusionment to spread to them. I'm sure some of the kids have this impression that I'm some sort of saint, but right now I feel more like Job, without a j-o-b. ha.
It's almost been a full year since I graduated... 4 more months and I can make the fantastic claim of a full year of unemployment. Joy of joys, wh00t. =P
Picked up a new book from the library to read this weekend, another Yancey book for my brain and soul... Disappointment with God.
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