I'm disappointed with a friend I have.
I've known him for a long time, but I think it's only in the last six years of my life that I've considered him a real friend. I'm not the only person that knows him - my father knew him, my mother knows him, some of my friends even know him. Actually a lot of people probably know my friend, though not nearly half as many that claim to know him. Lately, I find myself constantly thinking about our friendship, because of things that have been happening recently. It's not that he's a bad person... actually, it's quite the opposite. He's a great friend to a lot of people and through their friendships with him, I've seen some pretty amazing things, some really good stuff happening... miraculous stuff that at times, confounds my ability to explain. All in all, I don't think anybody could ask for a better friend than he already is and yet, I don't feel very much like he's
my friend right now.
I've given up a lot of things for my friend, and being a man of small wealth, I find the great gift I often gave is my time. Of course, friendship is more than about "things", but there's a small voice that questions whether or not it was worth it, especially looking back on these past few years. While other people I knew spent their time pursuing the good internships, working high-paying jobs, and enjoying the proverbial sleep-in, I devoted myself to spending a lot of time with my friend - time spent getting to know who my friend is and serving him in the priorities of stuff I knew he felt was important. Now when I say "serve", I mean volunteer... never asked for money from my friend, never wanted it, 'cause my friend would always write to me and tell me not to worry about that. I did everything willingly and happily for my friend, and yet in that sacrifice, I contemplate now a pit in my soul, the nagging pain that somehow my efforts were a waste and in vain. So often my friend would write to me to tell that my reward for doing so would be great, I look around and still behold the wasteland of this world. It's hard not to worry when bills start piling up, your savings are drained, or you go without eating somedays to stretch a dollar. I know my friend knows about these things, because I've told him about them. I never cursed my friend for it, and I've never asked my friend for anything big; not because I didn't believe he couldn't grant it (my friend is pretty rich), but because in my humility, I believed what he told me and I only desired what was fair - I've never asked my friend to spoil me or even give me an unearned handout, yet I find now my friend to be distant, and his help in just my simple needs to be... well, absent.
It's this absence that bothers me the most. My material needs pale so much more in comparison to the need I have for emotional and spiritual support I've looked to my friend to provide. To have the simple comfort of his presence, the re-assurance our friendship and a future of hope... my friend is good at encouraging people and giving them purpose. Yet even in this "post-graduate" time, I find my friend to be unreachable. I go to his house when I can (at least weekly), but I rarely get spend much time when him because he's always on the way it seems to meet somebody else or be somewhere else. I call him often, even leaving messages, but I find my calls are rarely returned, and when they are... well, to be honest they haven't been returned lately at all. It's frustrating, because quite often I'll talk to my other friends, who still see him and hang out with him often. It's almost like he avoids me and spends time when them. I'm not trying to be the jealous busy-body housewife, but friends at least talk once in awhile, right? I know I shouldn't compare my friendship to him with the friendships that other people have with him, but lately I have to admit I envy other people's relationships with him. My friend speaks with such clarity to them, delivers such wise counsel, and seems quite generous in helping them out in any and every which way. Honestly, I crave my friend's advice, but as of late, he seems reluctant to give it. He's been quiet... very, very, very... quiet.
I'm not quite sure how to interpret my friend's quietness. What is behind his silence? Other people have tried to offer their opinions and theories to me about my friend, but in the end, I find the problem (and its solution, probably) can only be born by myself. In my melancholy, I find it difficult to dwell on anything but the short comings in our friendship, especially nowdays. I still remember a promise my friend made to me when my dad died that he'd around to take care of me, or even in the very least, recommend somebody to myself for the small bother of raising me... a "father to the fatherless" is what he told me. Well, it's been about 13 years since my father passed, but as this latest Father's Day approaches, I contemplate again the unfulfillment of that promise and again, the absentee-ism of my friend. No, I'm not trying to badmouth my friend, but is it wrong to have such high expectations of him? Doesn't my friend know that the unfulfillment of an important promise tends to cast doubt on every other promise in the relationship? Doubt eats away at trust... and trust is pretty much the basic foundation of a real friendship, including ours.
After all, like I said... I've seen my friend do some pretty spectacular things... and I admit, most of the truly marvelous stuff, I've only heard or read second-hand. I don't doubt my friend has a great heart, but I find I have difficulty just being at peace with this conflict between who I know my friend to be, what he's doing now to me, and who he tells me he is. There's an incongruence my heart just can't accept, and of course, it's affecting how I view our friendship. I mean, how can you trust a friend who isn't there when you really need him?
Anyways, I'm tired... and ranting about all this to myself makes me more tired. Maybe I'll try giving my friend a call before I go to sleep.
Maybe.
posted by G at 5:15 AM |
