Friday, July 07, 2006
My friend was writing about her own life, but it many ways, it's just as applicable to mine. The second part of what she wrote reminded me of the Korean movie, "A Bittersweet Life", and its cinematic meditation on precarious nature of life in this world. No matter how good of a life you lead, you're really just a single really bad accident or mistake from it all going all to hell.
There's obviously lots different reactions to this reality, which I pretty much lump into three categories:
The first possible reaction is that you become deathly afraid of making mistakes, that you become perfectionistic to the point of being anal and you become intolerant of even the smallest imperfection, because you dread your life unraveling. You seek extreme perfection, especially to draw favorable comparisons to those around you.
The second possible reaction is the opposite extreme where you can become hyper nihilistic and don't even care about making mistakes, because you figure everything is pointless anyways and by becoming detached from the responsibility of life, you're free to selfishly enjoy whatever pleasure you can squeeze out of life, even if it's atop the bodies of friends, and the burning ashes of the other people's dreams.
The third possible reaction is the balance that occupies the middling gray area between the two. It is to strive to obtain the ideal while being able to accept that inevitably, mistakes will happen, and that no matter how painful they are, one should strive to accept responsibility for them and correct them. Instead of perfection as an end unto itself, the journey itself is recognized as the equally worthy, if not better, endeavor.
Of course, this final reaction is most difficult of the three to maintain.
I know I would like to think of myself as a strong person, but I know I'm not. Maybe once in my life, I imagined I was in possession of a re-forged faith and hardened soul, but now there are days where I wake up and I wonder how it is that I will summon the resolve to just brush my teeth. Other days, I can easily pretend to be decisive as I cook lunch or compose a simple e-mail, even as I try to shrug off my nagging doubts about my own ability to competently make good decisions. After all, the present circumstances of my life are the sum result of decisions I've made in my life. Sure, it's no problem picking a shirt to wear or slicing scallions to throw in a bowl of wonton-mein, but I seem to have a talent of finding ways to make my life more difficult or complicated despite intentions to the contrary.
I don't want to become paranoid about every single decision in my life. And I don't want to stop caring about my life or the people in it, either. But it's difficult. The whole trying thing. Trying to try. Some days, it takes too much willpower.
Lucky for me, I only drink on days of the week that end in "y".
Lucky for me, I only drink on days of the week that end in "y".Post a Comment
this might not have been intended to cause laughter, but it made me laugh. :ox